Friday, August 4, 2017

The Need to Ejaculate

And, speaking of boners...

"My wife and I have been together for 8 years, married for 5. The sex used to be pretty good. Then she got pregnant and it stopped. I understood there could be alot of reasons why she didn't want it then. Now, our daughter is almost 2 and there still hasn't been any sex of any kind. She won't even do oral or give me a hand job. I've asked why, she says she can't explain it, she just doesn't want to anymore. We've argued relentlessly and I think it's beginning to effect our daughter. I've asked for counseling, she thinks it's stupid to waste money like that when we have bills to pay.
I reached my wits end last weekend with an erection that wouldn't go down. My balls ached something awful. I begged. She still wouldn't give in. So I took matters into my own hands - right there in bed. She rolled away to face the other wall. She hasn't spoken to me since.
I love her and my daughter but something has to give. Any suggestions?"
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Whew.... I'm stumped on this one. When we say "guys have needs" this is what we're talking about. Boners can be relentless, and our balls ache something awful, until we satisfy the need to ejaculate.
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What did she expect? Don't answer that - it's rhetorical. You shouldn't have to apologize, or be punished for still having a sex drive. That she's giving you the cold shoulder-slash-silent treatment because you jacked off is something I don't understand at all. You shouldn't have to hide in the bathroom (or anywhere else).
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Readers????

15 comments:

Cali-Boi said...

Far as I know sex is part of a marriage, so I don't get this at all. She can't possible expect him to go with out anything?!?!?! If I was him, he should look for a male FWB, with no attachments. And let the wife know he has FWB. Maybe then it will come to a head, and she give in, or they may make an arrangement to stay together emotionally, and his FWB does the "dirty work" so to speak.

Anonymous said...

He should find a competent therapist and go to counseling by himself if she won't go to counseling with him.

Xersex said...

that's why I consider me so lucky to be gay!

Chris said...

There is more than just sex/no sex going on here. He is right to ask for counseling but she needs to see a therapist ASAP -- there are many red flags about the marriage.

Patrick said...

Sorry! That one is out of my area! Great pictures as always! Thanks for your visits & comments. Have a good weekend.

SickoRicko said...

That's a very tough one. Just keeping talking is all I can say.

Anonymous said...

Wow, that sounds familiar, I was in a sexless marriage for umteen years. I'd recommend couples therapy because the lack of sex in a marriage is a serious indicator of major problems. And the lack of a sex drive in a person is an indicator of real emotional or physical health issues. Although, when I went to therapy with my now exwife, she would get made that they focused on why she didn't want to have sex.
I understand the desperation for sexual release. I had to sneak in masturbation on business trips, or quietly while she slept. We were in a religion that didn't allow masturbation. Even if she refused to act like a normal wife. After years of judgement and guilt, I declared that I had a right to pleasure myself, and that she wasn't in charge of my sex life. If she wasn't going to be there for me, then she had no right to an opinion about what I did. I was always faithful to her, but really, I think now I should have explored outside the marriage because it was a cruel trap. It's psychological abuse. After years of this torture, she came clean that she got married for the wrong reasons, and didn't love me. So all that wasted time and pain. So I'd push for a resolution instead of dragging this on forever. There is so much more I could share, but I understand, you're not alone, and you're not a bad person.
Be well, A Free Man

Jean WM said...

This is not normal for a healthy young woman, period. She needs to get to the doctor and tell her story. Her partner needs to be patient and explain somewhere outside the bedroom what his needs are. He needs to insist on her seeing doctor. Before her Dr's appt, they could start by just holding each other with no expectations. Just re-learning to be close.

Sometimes medication or birth control can damper libido - could be a sign of depression so again her doctor needs to know. Is her weight up, just tired. If she's working she has two full-time jobs.
Happy weekend, hugs and bisous.

T said...

Yes this was in the news this week and not for good reasons too! Women being pressured into sex from their partners when they dont want to after childbirth. It is a problem as the men that were doing this and succeeded were actually raping their partners. The main debate of it all was to educate men with their partners present as the men were going behind their partners back and asking the Doctor when they can have sex again. The men were seeking permission from a Doctor instead of their partner. That was the main problem; not consulting their partner with regards to sex.

No needs to mean no. No going to a 3rd party for permission to have sex with your partner because they said no. That is rape (showing intent on having sex without permission). When someone says no thats where it should end. You dont continue with the act regardless of the relationship even if its a girl from the bar or your wife of 10years. Not just for the straight people but for all.

How hard is it to understand the word 'No'? If partner says no then fine. They dont want to do it. Put your hand around your dick and jerk off. The hand came before the partner. Masturbation should not be seen as a 'dirty'act or be treated as inferior.

It is not your God given right to have sex and your not entitled to it either from your partner. That is stupid. Privileged bullshit.

At the end of the day this all going to come down to education. This topic covers more than one area. Its not just a sexual urge or desire. Its addressing a negative attachment to masturbation, respecting your partner (both partners not just one person), understanding the word no, communication within a relationship and understanding when and how to seek help and the negative attachement to that as well.

Would a Therapist help with the couple; unfortunately for the wife yes (financial reasons). After 2years and they both cant find common ground; Therapist should have been called in a long time ago. A Therapist will not magically fix your problems for you but a Therapist will give you the tools needed for you both to find common ground again. After that and still no common ground with each other then maybe look at ending the relationship. No shame in seperation or divorce and you dont need 2 parents under the same roof to raise a child. Relationships change all the time; you may find just being parents works out better for all than trying to be both parents and partners.


It is long and delicate. Many issues not just the no sex.

Anonymous said...

I don't agree with T except that hopefully a therapist can help,but the wife has to be willing. Marriage comes with sex. It should be expected to be part of the package. Two years is way too long. Obviously the wife has a fear of some kind, either pain in the sex part or the fear of another pregnancy and the pain of childbirth. She needs to see her doctor and a therapist or counselor ASAP.

Anonymous said...

Sounds to me like the guy's wife may have Hypoactive Sexual Desire Disorder, a compete loss of interest in sex. It's difficult for women because it's not talked about. Attempts to have sex will likely be painful for her, if consensual penetration does take place.
I wouldn't be surprised to learn his wife delivered the child by c-section and may have been left with drastically altered sensation around and inside her vagina, including numbness. Even if she didn't have a c-section, the hormonal changes can trigger low sex drive, she needs to see a doctor and they both need a sex therapist to work with together. It can be overcome with great determination

Anonymous said...

Sounds to me like the guy's wife may have Hypoactive Sexual Desire Disorder, a compete loss of interest in sex. It's difficult for women because it's not talked about. Attempts to have sex will likely be painful for her, if consensual penetration does take place.
I wouldn't be surprised to learn his wife delivered the child by c-section and may have been left with drastically altered sensation around and inside her vagina, including numbness. Even if she didn't have a c-section, the hormonal changes can trigger low sex drive, she needs to see a doctor and they both need a sex therapist to work with together. It can be overcome with great determination and an undrsdee

that one guy said...

The sex & relationship advice columnist Dan Savage frequently publishes letters from readers who write in with this problem (it's not uncommon).

Savage usually recommends splitting up, but he understands that there are reasons --- children, finances, a satisfying life together outside of sex --- why the person may not want to end the relationship. In that case, he recommends: "do what you need to do to stay sane and stay married," whether that means masturbating, hiring someone for sex --- whatever. There is absolutely no reason to be ashamed of a basic human need. It's like saying "my wife no longer eats food, but she doesn't want me to eat without her."

If she refuses to see a counselor or doctor, then it looks like she is not interested in fixing the problem, indeed she may not even consider it a problem. He should recognize that since she has broken one of the promises of marriage (to be there sexually for your spouse, to a reasonable extent), he is no longer bound by that particular promise either.

Gabriel said...

I think she should be understanding that he needs the release. It is better that he wants to masterbate in bed with her there than to go around looking for some sex on the side. I hope things get better between the two of them.

Jeffrey Hamilton said...

Simple short term (or perhaps longer.. ) solution, for the guy not for the marriage: find a local jack-off group. Easy. She should know of course, but at least its not in her face. And then begin the long journey of resolution.