Morning.
A question from a Faithful Reader:
"I wanted to ask something deeper today. Lately, I keep thinking about how so many men feel lonely. It’s like an epidemic of loneliness. Many of us go through these cycles: watching porn, jerking off, scrolling apps like Grindr, hooking up quickly, and then back to the same loop again. It’s dopamine, dopamine, dopamine… but I wonder, what’s happening to real human connection?
The situation you're asking about has been developing over the years since social media began, and has only gotten worse since COVID. We have isolated ourselves. The idea of the hook-up apps, like Grindr, etc, are fine for their intended purpose: Sex; a lot of it anonymous, one-time things to satisfy the urge. But if we want social connection or an actual relationship, we have to get out among people. Even if we're introverts, we can still feel more connection and establish friendships and relationships by getting out of the house. By going and doing things which interest us, we'll "find our people" as the saying goes. Volunteering, joining a club.
What say you, Readers?
23 comments:
My thought on this is that one meets compatible people in person doing things in common, not necessarily over social media. I met my partner almost 52 years ago when we were both in college in the same dorm. I’ve known others who met at church (for the non-religious, substitute any volunteer organization), or at work (which can have its own pitfalls). I suppose some people meet at bars, gyms, or through online dating apps.
The caution my partner always brings up, though, is that you’re likely to see someone again at the place you met them. If that’s a place dedicated to something other than hooking up, that’s good. If it’s a bar, the baths, or an online hookup app, that might not be so good.
I suppose the principle I’m promoting here is that every friend (including my longtime partner) I’ve met that has lasted was met in the course of something else going on that was of interest aside from meeting people or trying to hook up.
For people who follow this blog, maybe getting involved in the naturist community might naturally lead to further friendships?
Husband & I have been together 40 years, both retired. We live in a primarily straight area. There are scant few gay men, singles or couples, around. We live at the beach. It's very lonely for both of us at times. Not looking for hookups, we're both over 60, and that's all been done. Just finding gay male friends is impossible. We make do with travel, beach walks, and our straight friends. It would be great to have some gay men around but we get by. We love where we live so we deal with it!
There has been a lot of research into why men feel lonely. One challenge is that culturally, we're expected to 'make it on our own.' It's not ok to share your feeling, emotions etc. But I think the suggestions made, like volunteering, are one way to overcome this. The key is finding something you're interested in, get involved in what ever that is, and then you'll meet other men who share similar interests. There are 'meet-ups' organized online where groups are focused around common interests - hiking, exploring different areas of your home town that you might not get to, game nights, brunch, etc. You can find meet-ups primarily focused o gay men. But they often open it up to others as well. This worked for my husband and I when we moved to Phoenix - we knew no one and neither of us are particularly outgoing. But 2 men we met at a meet up are now
our best friends here.
People need to get off the apps.
STAT.
The 'loneliness' epidemic is fuckery. Simple: people would rather have Uber Eats than getting out of bed, taking a shower, getting dressed, making a reservation and going to an actual restaurant.
And then they complain about not having restaurants to go to.
It's pure asshattery.
XOXO
I agree that humans are becoming less connected in spite of all of the social media.
I always tried to be involved with groups. A naked men's group, (naked but no sex at the monthly meetings) , a group putting packages together to send to soldiers overseas. Invite people to a picnic or game nigh at your house. I met my husband at a picnic; he was with someone else. Two years later ran into him at another picnic, he was not with his former partner for almost a year, and we hit it off. It took a lot of picnics, you got to eat a lot of hot dogs, but I finally found Mr. Right. Put yourself out there.
There are people out there doing things, volunteering, neighborhoods, church, political clubs. They are all looking for you wondering why you are not joining them. Join the YMCA. Go find things you enjoy doing you’ll meet people that way. Hugs and Bisous.
It seems to be an issue with the newer generations. Social interaction and meeting people in person is overwhelming and grueling to some younger people I've talked to. The anonymity of social media and the hook up, dating apps is "Safe". The emotions and coping of how to be actually social in person is lacking in newer generations. You've got to go out interact and put yourself on the line.
I write some of this off to disconnect and plain laziness. People don't care about relationships are quality anymore in it seems everything.
I won't lie, I still have quick hook ups...but I seem to have more FWB's now...we have sex, but also have fun deep friendships, that we can also do other things like good friends, but we just have the added bonus of sex. I think one just has to find the right people to get the relationship you seek. But I also need my alone time. But that is different than loneliness. I hope the reader finds up he is searching for. There out there....
Which is why I adored up!!!!!!! I wished you lived closer. I still think about our weekend together!
I have been with my partner for over 25 years and things were definitely, different back then and people made connections in person. Social Media, apps, blogs, have all assisted in creating a new type of relationship, virtual ones, where there can be a connection, but not as deep as the ones back in the day. I think this is the new reality.
Joining the conversation a little late this evening with another angle to this question. Most of us over the age of 40 have been hampered by an exclusionary puritanical concept of sex. We were told to fit into the mold with no exceptions. The LGBTQ community has been shackled with quilt and shame because we don't fit the "normal" hetero mold. Finding meaningful relationships is difficult but sometimes too much emphasis is put on the physical and sexual aspects of our lives. All porn and online dating/mating sights give a distorted view and hyped up expectations of what is really involved in seeking a partner for a relationship. Although entertaining to some extent, most of us will never reach the expertise of porn stars of paid escorts. Their example is formulaic: Meet, kiss, blow job, rim job, anal sex, ejaculation, perhaps a second kiss. Seen one, basically seen them all, only a different cast of characters.
We all are responsible in choosing a way forward for ourselves, partnered or remaining single in my case. I may be alone most of the time but I am never lonely, and we should all understand the difference in those 2 words. As many have said, if you're of an age or inclination to seek a yin to your yang, definitely put yourself our there and search for groups or individuals who share your interests, but try not to obsess about your single social status. Take pleasure in activities that you can do alone, some family members and a few good friends with whom to surround yourself will be much more fulfilling than a line of uncaring men at the "take a number" dispenser by your bed.
The social media route can work to find a life-partner, but it's about the attitude you go into it with. I've recently been the celebrant for the wedding of two young men who met by swiping right. Their first date was a gym workout together. We celebrated the wedding on the sixth anniversary of that day and they did a gym workout together in the morning. Neither of them are particularly outgoing, but they have gathered a group of people around them who keep them grounded. They live in the same city as my father, so we are able to visit them and watch their love grow.
I met my partner through the older method of advertising the position of boyfriend in one of the local gay newspapers. There were many applicants, some of whom I met up with. But the successful applicant—we met at 10 am and talked constantly until midnight when he had to drive home before going on to his parents in another city. We have now been together for nearly 29 years. We are both introverts (me much more so), but have drawn a group of people around us who have become family in ways that our own families can't be. They started off as friends of people we sort of knew and gradually became closer. Christmas is always at our place and anyone is welcome to join us—there's plenty of food and we'll find a gift even if you turn up with no warning.
In both of these stories, it was the attitude that made the difference. Why did I advertise? Why did he reply? Why did they swipe right? Why were they even on that app? In each case we wanted something long lasting and worked at it.
My husband and I have been together for 27 years. I'm 72 YO and he's 9 years younger. FYI - we're also the ones who recently added prostate play to our sexual enjoyment.
We met at a nude bed and breakfast resort in Ft Lauderdale (sadly no longer in business but than you, John and Ricky). We both enjoy nudity. Anyway. the point is that when you meet nude, all the apprehension of revealing your body goes away. As it turns out, nudity was not the only thing we had in common - and the rest is history. Open your mind to the possibilities and sometimes the solution will reveal itself!
Well put.
We are in a similar situation where we do not know many gay couples our age (74/5) in the area. It seems to get harder to find others who just seek social gathering without sex. So we have a wonderful, but private, life.
Such wonderful responses! Each and every one positive in nature. I think the Reader may have been given a glimmer of hope. I swear, you all are the BEST!
If sex (physical contact) is not on the agenda, isn't telepresence still capable of providing a good enough interaction with other people that is better than being alone?
The problem I see is that telepresence has not been properly implemented to provide as close to "normal" interaction as possible: a tiny screen on a phone or a small laptop is not the best we can do to make it appear more natural, especially when most houses have a large screen TV that could at least present to scale and allow a more complete picture than just the usual diminuitive talking head. Platforms tend to not only be fragmented, but they don't want the higher bandwidth images that are required to get closer to reality.
Covid was the wake-up call that we are lacking decent telepresence development, because society went from mostly in-person interaction to isolation with at best an unrealistic interface and at worst no interaction tools at all. Such a shock is not conducive to wanting to implement something better though as many people would be so repulsed they likely wouldn't want anything more to do with it.
Despite advanced technology, we still only search for compatible people in the vicinity and little time is spent getting to know someone because the emphasis is on physical contact ASAP. It's hardly better than the old villages, but possibly worse as at least they often had a matchmaker. We don't even have scientific matchmaking algorithms on apps, despite thousands of years of developing relationships. Sex sells, so no wonder the platforms are mainly commercial and only do as much as is necessary to link people together to facilitate sex.
I believe there is still an emphasis on one person to meet all our needs, when that is a massive load on any one person and it is possible to obtain greater compatibility and availability of life pursuits by obtaining discrete elements from different sources and less chance of all our eggs in one vulnerable basket. However, society doesn't encourage consideration of life goals and how best they can be achieved in lieu of tradition. Some young men are contemplating suicide because they can't get women to have sex with them, let alone be a life partner: such narrow expectations of life are becoming destructive because they are so much harder to achieve. Homophobia also prevents many men from even considering interactions with other men, despite men having a closer libido with each other, similar outlook on recreational sex, etc. Even during masturbation, a man is dealing with male bits, yet he doesn't go "yuck".
Society appears to have severely limited the life options of its members and is making perfect the enemy of good enough, in my opinion.
I don't find it surprising that younger men are mainly about sex: biologically, men are designed to spread their seed widely to maximise gene combinations for survival ability, but society has largely constrained this to more sex with one person; homosexual men appear to express more of the male archetype when it comes to biology and sex. Society would do well to separate sex and reproduction, because only a fraction of sex is engaged in the creation of new humans.
Putting yourself out there is going to restrict potential compatible partners, but is obviously better than not going out at all.
I think there is a role for technology in using telepresence to connect more people and thus provide more options and also in real applications to apply science to compatibility matching, which does not eliminate getting out there, but may provide a greater span of interaction options. Appearance is obviously important for a relationship, however less important for an also rewarding remote friendship.
By the way, how does a naked men's group (no sex) deal with the pressures of sexuality and is sex taboo or just discouraged for the other group benefits?
Do you think virtual connections can play a role in teaching people to walk before they can run, so that they are better prepared when they run into someone they can have a deeper connection with?
I was very disappointed that most men didn't want to get to know me better at the beginning, through virtual means, but insisted on a meeting ASAP and then just as quickly decided I was not right for them, instead of finding that out much earlier. The meet apps also tended to foster exaggeration which made it that much more disappointing when meeting in person, whereas a bit of time with telepresence would reveal many mistruths before investing in a meeting and thus greater honesty in the initial adverts.
I think telepresence has a lot to offer in better filtering incompatibility earlier and also providing a much broader range of connections than simply for sex.
Hear, hear, although I think it also depends on personality as to what one is most comfortable with and both yin and yang (ie introvert and extrovert) are acceptable life expressions with neither more important than the other. It takes all types to make a world.
I am disappointed that technology has been used for profit and the agenda constraining people, more than it has been used to give people more options.
Why is there so little talk about building healthy, human relationships alongside our sexual desires?
I think our sexual desires as men are not being readily met, leading to excessive effort to achieve them, which leaves little time to develop relationships; combined with failure to understand human need (we aren't even achieving Maslow's lowest level of need because most people aren't even aware of the full spectrum of need, having been manipulated to only focus on being a good little consumer, worker and baby fodder and lacking any education beyond that) and a belief that one can do better. Sex is still largely seen as serving procreation and there is little freedom for recreational sex: for men in particular, sex is constrained to what their female partner wants and men are not granted autonomy in this arena.
Society only relatively recently educated about sex, it is still largely a desert when it comes to relationships education. People just follow the traditional status quo, which doesn't encourage thinking outside the box.
Overall I think men in particular in society are just slaves for the benefit of others: labourers, sperm donors and ATMs and you can forget about patriarchy for the common man. We are competitive and thus don't want to reveal weakness by revealing too much and I think society has much too great expectations of what people can do for it than what people can do for themselves and others.
With so little talk about the full spectrum of human need, there's a ready vacuum to be filled by people asking the question, to begin.
I'm single and have lived abroad for many years, and I spend an average of one year in each country, and for me it's difficult to have long-distance relationships, and in many countries where I've lived, male couples are not accepted because of residence visas. So single!
Post a Comment