Morning
"We considered our marriage to be one not just lovers but of best friends. The sex was great we could tell each other anything. My husband has suddenly become sullen and withdrawn. He will flinch if I try to initiate sex. I mean really flinch. I don't think he's even masturbating at least there's no evidence of that. And he won't tell me what's going on. Any help would be appreciated."
Oh, my. Did he get fired or laid off from his job? Those are both common causes for men to become despondent and depressed. If that isn't the case, you must find out what happened to him.
To actually flinch from touch may be an indication of sexual assault, and it could be recent or it could have happened years or even decades ago. Sometimes memories will surface. Even the current issues of the Epstein stuff could trigger memories of abuse that have been buried.
And, yes, men can be sexually assaulted and abused. It's a very difficult thing for men to admit and is quite underreported because men are often not believed, or worse: ridiculed.
You need to be patient, and you need to be gentle in your probing for explanations to his recent change in behavior. There are websites that might help him --- and you --- understand and take steps to help him. A licensed therapist might be able to help. If he resists, don't pressure him into it --- go yourself.
I hope you can help him. But show him as much understanding and love as you can, and support him the best as you can.
22 comments:
The idea to going to a therapist even if the husband does not go is great.
It can help her understand that something that is not her is a play here.
XOXO
My gut reaction was to "the sex was great" and "he flinches if I try to initiate sex" which suggested to me that his sense of self as a man has been wounded and attempts to force a demonstration of his previously masculine self wounds him further. So, perhaps sudden sexual disfunction, a sudden realisation he has same sex attraction, a medical diagnosis (or laymans diagnosis) that will change sex forever, etc?
Also "the sex was great, we could tell each other anything" suggested to me the ability to tell each other anything only when things were going well. Was it tested when things weren't going well, or did that situation never arise before?
There's not really a lot to go on and I don't think it is a good idea to be armchair psychologists or doctors on blogs anyway.
However, if the OP and her male partner could tell each other anything, then they demonstrated an ability to work things through together. Perhaps the OP could indicate she senses something has changed and that they worked things through together before and can do so again for whatever has prompted the change (assuming the OP has done that in the past and is prepared to set aside her own judgement over what it might be).
Sadden to read this and I do hope things get sorted for this couple and he gets some help. Have a good weekend.
He may be asexual, or worse it could be a trauma response.
After I was raped, as an adult, it took me a long time to be sexually responsive. I felt I was being harmed. My body could not respond.
Go slow. Make him feel safe with you.
He will come to you when he feels ready. All you can do is support him and let him feel this is ok.
Rape destroys our sexuality and it's okay to to feel not okay sometimes.
Just go gentle and he will discover that sex is good and proper intimacy is all good. Just be patient and open. Be patient. Maybe start with mutual masturbation to relax him.
I hope you find comfort with each other :)
You are good. Great advice. Thanks.
Who knows what possibly could be happening, but something definitely is happening for him to change their drastically. I also wonder if it could be a health issue that he recently found out about and he doesn't want to say anything?
Sounds like depression.
In this case, you have to open up to him, but never ask.
I know we're discussing a serious issue, but you chose a nice selection of intact penises today!
All really good the best of advice!
P.S. Now is a good time to remind everyone to check if they are STILL registered to vote by going to vote.org. (Some states started purging voting rolls if you haven’t voted recently.). And then vote; early voting just started today in my state. Hugs and bisous.
He may have had a first relationship with a casual partner and... What if he simply caught a sexually transmitted disease he didn't know about from his partner?
It's not easy to talk about...
Jeff
I'm not sure it matters, but are we assuming this is a female writer?
Nice to see you're ok!
That was my thought.
XOXO
As a fellow victim, I can agree with every word you wrote.
At the very least.
Exactly. She shouldn't push for answers. Not yet.
Could be anything, really.
True...some states have elections coming up. Hugs and bisous.
We are.
#2 actor Eric Balfour
#3 actor Bill Skarsgard
Thanks for the IDs.
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