Over the holidays, family gathered and that included my brother-in-law (B-I-L) and his family. Their oldest son entered the throes of puberty at a young age. His mom was complaining that he gets up and plays video games late at night. He said it's because he can't sleep.
Well...you all know me. I asked him if he knew what Ambien was. Yes. Do you know what "Nature's Ambien" is? No. Jacking off. His dad pipes up with "That's what his 45-minute showers are about."
Of course, he was embarrassed - especially with his mom there. But I had to go into teacher mode. "It's natural, it's normal, it's healthy, and you shouldn't have to hide in the shower to do it."
That's when he left the room. Later as they were getting ready to leave I promised my in-laws that next time I would wait at east an hour before I embarrassed him again. Because next time is going to be all about the Ball Check.
Somebody has to tell him about this stuff and it appears my B-I-L isn't stepping to the plate.
21 comments:
You have many more guts than I do!
nice and sexy
It.s always surprising to me as in the 21st century there are still parents that have no habilities to raise their boys and girls too.
Sex is a normal part of human as much as good eating habits and hygiene etc.
Parent avoiding such a fondamental subject are showing their kids that it might be abnormal or dirty stuff etc..
Your title was intriging to me as in French, my mother tongue, we say: avoir les deux pieds dans le même plat.
Which could translate: having both feet in the same plate.
Meaning those people that are ignorants or not having a good brain. Kind of silly people which those of your in laws seem to be like.
They have there both feet in the same plate in regard of their sons sexual education.
@ JiEL - I think his parents are pretty open about sex being a normal part of life. But for some unknown reason my brother-in-law has not taken the time to talk about masturbation. Hopefully I opened that door for them.
I haven't commented in along, long time. This one made me get off my ass. However painful it might be for your BIL or your nephew I highly encourage them to sit and talk about jerking off. My boys really appreciated my talk with them after their mom went ballistic over catching them doing it. I told them all guys do it - even me - and encouraged them to masturbate on a regular basis. It's good for their health. - Dad
Great advice to the nephew.
They have a natural interest just like every human does. If they don't get the information from their parents they'll get it from their friends or from the Internet. But they are going to get it. You did your part.
Nephew may have appeared embarrassed but he heard everything you said.
Hugs and bisous.
Well, I for one would love to be a fly on the wall at your next gathering! How nice that they love and accept you for who you are, dear. There's nothing like family. Kizzes.
Apparently the Victorian era is still spreading its prudery into the 21st Century.
It's perhaps not surprising as the sins of the Fathers are usually passed onto the sons unless there is a conscious effort to do something different.
My own Father was too embarassed to talk about sex from anything except a rudimentary perspective of: mans penis goes in womans hole in same place; let alone actually talk about masturbating. It was so embarassing, I have difficulty imagining doing anything different person to person and I think it takes real courage to break that cycle of shame over something so natural. Then again, there has been another generation of Dads since I became adult, so maybe that generation will be less affected than mine.
Would be interested to know if Dads today still feel embarassed but overcome it to help their sons not feel the same way, or if they have already progressed beyond the previous generation.
I wish more parents would do this. I was at a friends house when I was 16 and his Mom told him (in front of me) that she provided him a box of kleenex in his room to clean up his jizz but he had better start putting them in the trash instead of tossing them behind his bed or she was going to make him use his dirty socks lol. His Dad started laughing and he just yelled "MOM!". She looked at me and said I know everyone does it but I'm tired of cleaning up dry crusty kleenex that I know isn't snot. His Dad just said something about he had to clean his up as well so he better do it or get in trouble. I had to think about it that his Dad just admitted in front of us and his wife that he still jerked off. Suddenly I wished I had parents like that!! I became that Dad I hope and my son and I can discuss anything. I hope he does that as well or my husband and I will have some very open conversations with our grandson when he is of age.
@ Jean - I think he did. I hope so, anyway. Hugs and bisous.
@ Gay Dad - Your friend's dad did the right thing. Every father should be that open with their sons.
@ Upton - They're used to my openness when it comes to sex. LOL. My wife and I are the ones who had the "clean-up" talk with my BIL when he was young and using expensive washcloths, and not bothering to rinse them out. Boy, was my MIL mad. But she refused to talk to him and my FIL refused to say anything. So.... My wife and I were, like, "What's the big deal? Yo, dude, stop using your mom's good washcloths to clean up your cum when you jack off." He just said "Okay." and that was that.
Thanks for sharing this. I wish I'd had an adult male relative who would talk to me about this stuff. In many ways my dad wasn't a prude - he was relaxed about walking around the house naked, for instance - but he would never talk about anything sexual in a supportive way. When I was 11 he caught me playing with my cock in the bath. He didn't say anything at the time, but later went on to make comments about "all that wanking in the bath", and later still kept hinting that I was old enough to start having sex. Clearly, just enjoying myself on my own wasn't good enough.
And thank you for the final picture on this piece: it suggests the sort of supportive father/son relationship I wish I had had.
Is it necessary to embarass a young man though to convey the relevant information? I'm concerned that the embarassment sets up a conflict and detracts from the message. The embarassment itself suggests an entrenched issue with being open about the realities of life that you don't overcome with a sledgehammer and shame. Why not a 1:1 private conversation where you can get the message across as well as convey that its okay to talk about with another person (and eventually okay to talk about in public)?
Do you think it would be acceptable to discuss womens periods in public or their masturbation activities? I think you might find double standards on that, yet its okay to joke about and shame men.
@ Anon - there was no joking - it was serious. Nobody was deliberately attempting to shame him in any way. The only reason he was embarrassed (I think) is because his mom was in the room.
@ whkattk - joke was probably the wrong word to use, perhaps "veiled criticism" might have been better, but the impression I received from reading recent comments is that the adults were using their authority to openly criticise the lads in front of others for behaviour resulting from their own failure to talk to them 1:1
It's like having failed to do their job, they think deliberately shaming someone in front of others will make things right. For example, the BIL complaining about the 45 minute showers to someone else instead of having a quiet word with his son about the natural practice of masturbation and the most appropriate locations and methods of cleanup. Shaming doesn't exactly foster a healthy bond between people as the shame becomes more powerful than the issue.
I really have to work at talking about these matters openly, because I still feel so shamed about them by my own Fathers inability to discuss them with me without his own shame corrupting the issues.
Embarassment and shaming are not the tools to use to convey information.
I sincerely hope that if you have a talk with your nephew about a Ball Check, you do it 1:1 and man to man, not teacher to pupil or even Father (authority figure) to son. I really wish my own Father had been able to speak with me man to man about issues of vital interest to men in a way that creates a common bond.
@ Marsten - IIRC that picture was from a porn video about a Dad confronting his son over taking his jock and masturbating over it, which led to sex between them. I know porn is supposed to be a fantasy, but it does highlight the thorny issue of boundaries in situations that are not intrinsicly meant to be abusive but educational. Society often prohibits everything in trying to protect people from something, because they don't want to have the difficult discussion over things that are not black and white as we like to make them.
@ Anon - You make a good point. I'll be more considerate when the opportunity for the Ball Check conversation present itself.
@ whkattk - you mentioned intervening with your BIL when he was a lad, yet here he is as an adult with his own son and not stepping up to the plate as presumably his Father didn't, so that education didn't pass on in a more meaningful way.
I think this is the issue of education being about a single item of compliance and not a principle that changes a person's behaviour from that point on. This is why I believe a Father-son bond is so important in facilitating a Father ensuring his son has the knowledge and understanding about being a man and doesn't assume he will develop naturally or have to use trial and error or follow the equally naive; and for sons to feel comfortable in approaching their Father about any concern or curiosity. In other words, a Father needs to be an active mentor to his son, not merely a teacher of disconnected facts.
Perhaps the BIL needs mentoring he never received, so that he can become a better Father to his son (and perhaps a more complete man within himself), rather than you directly educating the lad on an ad-hoc basis. Maybe they both need mentoring together by a 3rd party.
Is your BIL and/or his son comfortable with being naked in each others presence? Perhaps that is a place to start where you can get them together and start to explore being more comfortable as men and more knowledgeable about men, including considering our impact on others whilst enjoying being men. We are all boys together, even though diversity is also a normal part of nature.
@ whkattk - whilst sex is an obvious and natural part of life, human history has demonised masturbation and same sex activity between men and is, I believe, still a potent force shaping mens lives in one way or another through homophobia. It is the reason, I think, why men find it so hard to consider sexual contact with other men, even when it's simply sharing an enjoyable physical activity without any love aspect; and why even nakedness in the presence of other men, let alone masturbation, is a challenge for many and a bridge too far for some.
The fact that so many celebrities are only now starting to come out of the closet is testament to the power of certain aspects of male sexuality still not readily accepted (in this case often because it would alienate a large part of the fan base but it means denying who they are and living a "dishonest" double life). I think women found it easier to come out of the closet way before men, because they weren't demonised in quite the same way for expressing who they were.
Even nakedness and its extension into arousal, erections and sexuality is still largely hidden. Sex seems to be easier to portray, often through imagery, than nakedness or masturbation and perhaps that is because sex sells and it has commercial opportunities which supercede the old phobias.
Most concerning though is that women are beginning to demonise men and their biology more directly now, going way beyond simply masturbation to masculinity itself and even to the point of #killallmen sentiment. This is worrying when men don't even have comfort in being who they are with erections, masturbation and sex and now their very existence is being challenged.
But getting back to my original point is that sex seems to be easier to sell to the public than all the other natural aspects of being a man (or in training) and might explain your BIL being okay with sex but reticent about masturbation and perhaps other aspects of male physiology.
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