"I wrote quite a long time ago about learning to deal with a child who is mentally challenged. It hasn't gotten any easier and my wife is only adding to the problem. Our son is 15 now but his mental capacity is that of a 6 or 7 year old. Teaching him to deal with a maturing body is tough enough but having a spouse who can't or won't is taking a toll on me. We fight almost daily about things that our son has no control over. The constant spontaneous erections which she hates seeing, his general moodiness, the fact he fights against putting on underwear because they don't accommodate him. She won't take him anywhere because she can't go into a men's room with him anymore. Even I won't let him go in alone because people are just too cruel and untrustworthy. He just doesn't understand what's happening to him. I'm reaching the end of my patience with all of it. Short of packing up and leaving, taking our son with me, what can I do?"
I think I remember. You wrote in that he had an orgasm and ejaculated while you were watching television one evening; his first if I'm not mistaken. You have your hands full, and you have my complete sympathy. Your son is in the throes of puberty. His hormones are running amok.
The moodiness doesn't come from that, though. You may have heard the phrase "growing pains?" Those are real. These are the years when the skeletal frame is lengthening, and muscle tissue is attempting to keep up. Though that process happens while we sleep, there can be actual lingering pain and a general sense of achiness. Add the almost constant boners and I can imagine he's having a lot of difficulty with all of it.
Sure, you will have to teach him how to adjust the spontaneous boner, but it's better than fighting with a cranky son.
16 comments:
There is a lot to unpack in this outline. The closest I have had to deal with was when I watched a teen for a week who was mildly autistic. He was having problems with his attire; prone to "wardrobe malfunctions". The clothes his mother sent over with him were just horribly sized for him (way too small); he would jump because his balls would bunch up when he'd sit down a certain way. I took him to the local Walmart and bought him some comfortable sweat pants and some oversized boxer/briefs and he was remarkably happier and calmer.
That might be an option for this parent - just buy his son larger clothing; under and outer wear. This will accommodate his adolescent growth and help to give the spontaneous erections a place to hide.
It's a shame that he's realized, as a parent, he has to go it alone. I've seen that with special needs households. Kudos to him for reaching out for advice!
The wife needs to get a grip. Really.
It's seems she's got more issues than Rolling Stone! The boy may be mentally/emotionally seven, but he's a teen, for Pete's sake!
And briefs are cool when you know how to deal with them. This boy may be better off with boxer briefs or boxers. Hello?
And about the spontaneous boners? So what? Every man has them.
I understand the dad's need to be with his son when he goes to the washroom and that's something that needs to happen. Not everybody understands that some people have especial needs.
And the wife needs a shrink. STAT.
XOXO
More professional help is certainly needed. I hope it works out for him and his son.
You don’t need to post this but am reaching out because I still have no word from Phil@AOM. I heard from him on February 1 that he had been in the hospital but was doing better. But then nothing since then. I am very concerned and worried. I’m his friend David.
Sorry to hear your son's puberty problems are worst them most other children's.
One thing you may try is get him to do his one of his favorite things to take his mind away from the current situation.
Here is a website that also many give you some ideas. https://www.mysouthernhealth.com/puberty-special-needs-boys/
A wife who trusts what a doctor says where she won't believe her husband, is not one who can make dream of her. It is annoying, but the interests of the son must prevail.
Hugs and bisous, my darling Jean and Pat.
As was mentioned for the young man who was developing faster (possibly larger) than his peers, it's time for someone other than Mom to buy his underwear for him!
There are dozens of manufacturers who make men's underwear with 'containers' for man-parts that have extra room!
And if the young man feels more comfortable going commando, well, different fabrics will drape differently, and help disguise his erections.
I don't know how you can explain puberty to a 7-year old mind... but please be gentle, and don't discourage his pleasure with his own body! Maybe concentrate on rules of decorum, and things you don't do in public!
--PaulMmn
Wow. It's hard enough for a boy to go through puberty, can't even imagine how rough it would be for one that is challenged with mental capacity of a 7 yr old. Check with your boy's doctor to see if there are any available resources that you can use to help your son. He comes first.
Dad, don't argue with your wife. Take a breath and talk to her calmly. If she escalates the conversation, just calmly flat out tell her that you're willing to talk, but won't argue. If she continues, turn and walk away. Don't give in. Fighting isn't accomplishing anything productive. All that energy could be spent helping your son - and your own mental well being.
As far as the wife, I don't mean to be callous but she needs therapy. I mean from what you describe it sounds like she'd have a problem with the puberty whether your son's capacity was diminished or not. And how's that being a loving parent?
Frankly my guess is she feels trapped. Your son's puberty is just another nail in her life's coffin. If she doesn't have the compassion to see how this is affecting her son - your son (your marriage), then will she ever as you encounter other bumps in the road?
Dad, you need to find someone to talk to as well, a clergy, therapist, trusted friend. You are describing a toxic home life that isn't doing any of you any good. There may be some hard choices to be made.
I'm nearly 60 and through family and friends have seen various challenges that families face. And as mushy and as "Hallmark" as it sounds those that face it with love and compassion are happy and find the answers they need for any situation. Those that chose the opposite road close themselves off to solutions and happiness. It's a simple as that.
I'd wager to say your son has a lot to offer in his own way. Daily little blessings that should be appreciated. Remember to rejoice in them.
There usually is an online forum for parents of children with all kinds of needs. I suspect there would be one for teens with mental disabilities.
There are thousands of parents with these exact same issues and with many question and answers.
Hugs and bisous.
I think all of this is a pretty good of an advice, actually 👍🏻
Just gotta talk it out with the wife, but... in her own language 🙂
Good advice, all around. It sounds like the wife simply does not want to raise this child anymore... she needs psychiatric help, a bit of goal-oriented therapy. She needs to adopt the mindset of a nurse, where bodies are what they are... it's not a comment on you or who the other person is. But to get there, she needs to deal with her resentment. Obviously, this is not the child she intended on having... and the loss of a life she envisioned is now being visited on her husband and her son. These relationships will not survive, if she is allowed to continue to become embittered. And the husband, too, should seek therapy... protecting a vulnerable young person is a stressful, difficult job in the best of circumstances.
@ David - I wish you had emailed me...I could've let you know a bit sooner than this. Though, I think you saw Sarah's post on Phil's blog and left comment.
@ b_rider - Thank you for posting that link! I'm sure the reader will see it and find a lot of practical information.
The wife needs to see a therapist/psychiatrist. Depending on country or wherever they live; these days its encouraged for the parents and immediate family members to go see therapists/psychiatrists to be able to learn how to live with a disabled family member. The disabled isnt the only one that needs help.
The wife is stuck on the mental aspects of the son while the husband is on the physical side. In this example the physical is the easier of the two to work with. Mental capacity aside the son still needs to know what his body is doing. He still needs to learn what to do and what his own body is going through. If both parents leave the son to his own devices its only going to get worse. He needs to know what to do with his own body. If neither parent is willing then a doctor can do it. Or a sex therapist; they are trained in these areas.
The mental aspect; stop treating the son as a child. He is clearly not a child anymore. There is a war going on inside the sons brain. On one side he knows he is no longer a child but on the other he has people that are refusing to see him as anything other than a child. It is only natural that he will want to fight any authority placed on him (even something as simple as getting dressed). Do not discredit the mental capacity of the son. He will be very aware of his surroundings. He more than likely has developed complete cognitive abilities (if he hasnt then the parents would have been assigned a live-in aid long time ago).
Have both parents moved past the initial diagnoses or are they still stuck at that point in time?
Sad that the mother is unable to deal with her son's physical maturing. And I understand the father's feeling of being burdened by explaining it to the son, with no back up. I echo the advice that the wife should seek help in learning to understand and accept the son's growth. I also heartily agree she should NOT be buying his undershorts. Stay strong, Dad. Stay strong. Get yourself some help, a doctor or an understanding buddy.
A difficult situation with an adolescent with a disability and a spouse who is resentful: respect for trying to deal with it and not walk away. It must require a lot of effort to properly care for a son when a partner will not.
I was curious about the comment:
"Short of packing up and leaving, taking our son with me, what can I do?"
Why would you and the son need to leave and not your wife?
Would it be possible for your wife to have a break for a while, somewhere else, to consider the situation (perhaps with some therapeutic help) and you and the son have time together to work things through without embittered interference? Sort of like a circuit breaker to prevent things getting too overheated. Then when things are calmer, you can discuss the future more rationally and without acrimony.
As for explaining things to the son, forget how you were raised and think back to when you were an adolescent and the things you would have liked to have known in advance that would have made the process easier, then imagine how you might explain things to your younger self with the benefit of hindsight, without shame or embarassment.
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