A question from Faithful Reader Milleson:
"The problem I face now is trying to consider a meaningful relationship with another person after living alone all my life. I have effectively split into two gay men, one telling me to go for it and the other trying to drag me back to the safety of the closet. Physical appearance and performance anxiety are also an issue. I'm not an Adonis, neither am I the Hunchback of Notre Dame, and porn offers such a distorted view of sexual behavior, with the trend back to condom free sex and drug and alcohol use. I've got my head in the right place, I know what to do and not do, but the fear of expressing myself sexually is definitely holding me back from advancing. Thankfully, with a good doctor and the anxiety meds I take, I do not stress about my situation.
There we are Pat, a small snippet of the life of a pretty screwed-up S.O.B. As I said, I'm doing well through this transition but any insight or advice from you or your readers will be appreciated."
All I was able to suggest was taking some classes in something he enjoys doing.
Maybe start a book club.
Or volunteer at a local performing arts company.
Join a club?
Any ideas on how he might meet a significant other would be helpful.
23 comments:
A JO Club is a great way for older men to meet one another. Also... hang out at places gay men hang out in nature... you may meet a like-minded soul and if nothing else - say a nude beach or cruising area - the eye candy is appetizing. If you sing, consider auditioning for a gay mens chorus. I think most on-line sites and apps are toxic environments. You may also want to get involved and volunteer as part of your local gay pride committee. Meeting a fellow doer-bee is a great way to make friends which may lead to fwb. The thing is... you aren't going to meet a companion sitting in front of the laptop looking at porn. Put yourself physically out there - by finding your community.
If he is "doing well through this transition", everything is fine, and i'm happy for him.
Hugs and bisous, my darlings Jean and Pat
Have a marvelous day
I would not refer to the man as a screwed up SOB at all. He's facing a dilemma anyone could face. I face it, and I'm definitely nothing to look at. And he sounds like he's physically way more attractive than I could have ever been. It can be an easy decision, but sometimes a man just needs to take the plunge and hope for the best. If anyone had ever been attracted to me, I think I would have taken the chance.
I think I have to tend to agree with you. I think joining a walking Club, or some kind of special interest club or group, or even a social club maybe even one gear at the community for LGBT would be a start. There's just a stigma attached to online meeting and three out of five times it generally is just for sexual hookups so I agree with Milson I wouldn't start there.
To Milleson I would say, "Never say never." Jerry and I met online in our 60s. Getting involved with gay senior groups could lead to finding someone.
I met Maximus at a friends picnic one summer. He sat beside me at a round table for 8. At the time he was with someone else. Got to know him but he was taken so off limits. Two years later he showed up at the big summer picnic I co-host with two friends. Maxamus was invited because he had attended with someone else the year before. Was busy with hosting and didn't get to talk to him much. I had heard that he and his ex had broken up 8 months earlier. Maximus spent the night in the basement and help take down the decorations,canopys, tables & chairs the next day. After everything was taken down and put away we all ended up skinny dipping in the pool to cool off. We talked a lot during the day and he ended up spending the night again only this time in the spare bedroom with me. From that time we talked on the phone and spent time together and found out we are very compatible. We lived around 60 miles apart. Around 9 months later he moved in with me and we are very happy. Met unexpectedly at friends parties.
Look for a local Meet Up group focused on a topic/issue you're interested in. There are also LGBTQ specific Meet Up groups.
He needs to stay away from the apps and the dating sites and all that jazz. They are not good for you. Self-care is essential.
I would also suggest book clubs (He needs to go on Meetup.com which has a plethora of offerings that are not sexual in nature) and non-profits and the local LGBTQ center (we have one in Chi with programs for adults that are fun). Going out and meeting people in person is the best solution. And he should forget about the images porn promotes. He needs to go with his gut.
XOXO
I can certainly relate. It seems to be the case for a lot of men "our age" (i'm 70) Sometimes those clubs are not available if you live in a rural location. All good suggestions though. Love the ballet classes.
The writer didn't really say where he was from. A small town or large city. A larger city gives him more options. To start with. Find some gay bars and just go to get a drink and see what's out there. Try one of the non dating web sites. I think bumble is still operating. Anywhere you know might have a group of gay guys. Start with just making other gay friends. Then let them help you out with meeting others. It's basically the same premise straights have. You just have to find the place gay guys hang out. And if he's really having mental blocks against having sex. I know this sounds stupid. But get with some of those younger guys and get more comfortable with your own body. Confidence is one of the most sexy things a person can have.
Sometimes it means just living your life, joining in and doing the things you enjoy, and be willing to seize the opportunity if it arises. Stay in good shape so that you feel good about yourself. Unfortunately I suspect there are many folks just like you who sit on the sidelines. It takes some courage to put yourself out there.
You have a lot to offer. Hugs and bisous.
I have struggled with a similar situation: being alone for most of my life because of social phobia, means that a full-on meaningful relationship would be overwhelming, however trying to ease into something less has not been successful.
I have found the men I have deliberately met have been too eager for sex from the get-go, when I am not sure I even like them and I need to like another man in order to be comfortable with intimacy: but perhaps that is just me. Even if they do accept my slow pace, they become frustrated it isn't quick enough and I feel pressured to either take it further or abandon it completely.
The suggestion of becoming involved in a group activity and getting to know people through that might work, although those with social anxiety might struggle.
The best situation I developed was with a walking partner, whom I gradually got to know through walking and talking, enough to begin to like them and want to take things further, however they were restricted in availability and eventually it was not enough for me.
Trying to find the happy medium is not easy, especially as there aren't that many men around who might even be interested or even mutually compatible.
It would certainly be easier if all men were more comfortable with forming a friendship and open to extending that friendship into a shared sexual pleasure arena and maybe even more in time, however homophobia still influences things greatly.
Appearance is not really an issue for me, once I get to like a person for themselves, but it can be problematic at the start with initial attraction.
I think maybe those wishing a meaningful relationship may also have to deal with the very prevalent hookup culture, short term relationship and willingness to move on because there are more sausages on the bbq.
I wish the OP luck.
I suspect that your correspondent has an introverted personality type like mine - losing energy while in groups of men, and comfortable being alone or with one or two other friends. I was in the closet from ages 20 -32 (196e-1975), found my first partner through a print ad in a gay newspaper, lost him to the HIV epidemic in 1993, recovery speeded by doing frequent Body Electric workshops for the next 10 years in including massage training, making lots of erotic friends through Manhunt, Adam4Adam, Dudesnude by offering free erotic massages, exploring a few crushes that didn't work out, accepting I was going to stay single, volunteering a lot at Easton Mountain (gay spiritual and erotic retreat center), giving up on finding a partner, and then finding a soul mate in 2008 at a sweat lodge in NH with friends, living together, married in 2011, moving along in our lives together. My advice, is similar to BWA (as expressed in the pix in this post): keep socializing in ways that work for you, finding ways you can give, frequently being naked with other men, and daring to express your feelings when you feel and connection with someone else.
This post resonated with me. The closet door seems to be shutting itself on me.
I lived about 9 years with another man versus about 16 years before and another 20 or so since on my own. It felt good being part of a couple, but I'm the same person with the same good and bad traits, and in my case the same insecurities.
I've decided to just get on with life and see what happens.
I've not been well physically or mentally, but going to try some of the things Pat suggests, or volunteering for a charity.
Good luck all.
This is a hard one to fathom. I am aging; now in my early 60's. My husband is about 4 years behind me. We have been together for 25 years. I am getting to that age when I think about loss; if he left me or died. I've gained 80 pounds since we first met and the plumbing is hard to get working these days. Being retired, I have a lot of stupid time on my brain to ponder these inevitable options like "Why is he still with me?". Our relationship is certainly more platonic than physical.
I try and think back to how was my life before we met. I realize that, at that time, I was the single person responsible for how I felt about me; that I could either live depressed and miserable, or eject all that bullshit and live life on my terms. Then I entered this relationship, and though it has not been all stellar, and at times, down right miserable, we are making it work.
The key back then and the key now is to find that positivity in life. Single, I had a cadre of men across a broad swath of age ranges and body types. Connections made through social groups (singing and the local UU church). Sometimes it was physical (hosted a couple orgies back in the day!), more often than not, just fun. It was company that kept my spirits high.
Dating throughout that time came and went. Explored some "trophies", "deep wishes", "distant crushes", etc. with enough of a social network to catch me on the exit. Then I met my partner. Out of the fucking blue. We were sitting at a local dive shoving $1 into male dancer G-stings. What started as a one-night stand turned into a long-distance relationship, then into a co-habitation situation when he got laid off. We clicked. In the 25 years, I think we have had 2, perhaps 3 major blow-ups. But they were cathartic and necessary. They cleared the air and we both realized coming out of them that we both benefited from them. What I have learned over the years is that he keeps me grounded in reality. He's the pessimist to my optimist, and I am deeply in love with him, even after all these years.
But if it ended today, I would survive. Perhaps the tools to build that social network are a little rusty, but there are places and ways to connect besides through dating apps. An LBGT+ accepting church is good. Local gay men's chorus is good. Gay bowling or softball leagues, gardening clubs, etc. Some place where you can just be you and not have to worry about putting on your dating finery.
Remember - You own how you feel.
Great to see our favorite FKK lad in #5 pic!
My question is, you've been single your whole life, why do you want to change that now? You have your own place, routines, schedule, friends, etc. Are you sure you're ready to potentially disrupt all that by bringing someone else in to the equation?
The rarities of finding a meaningful relationship on Grindr, Tinder and the like is few and far between. Those are just hook up culture for all groups (straights included). You wouldnt go into McDonalds expecting a fine dining experience; treat those apps with the same mentality.
You would have much more luck in joining up to some sort of activities or like minded groups. The people you meet in those situations you will get more mentally out of it as you will be with like minded people. Relationships will come more naturally and you could find a decent relationship with someone out of it.
I met my partner through work. The family business I help out with has a business relationship with my partners family business so we saw each other frequently. I thought he was cute when I first met him and we got along straight away. We didnt start dating each other until a few years later and now he has invaded my house and hasnt left.
Prior to that I didnt want to be in a relationship as I didnt have the time for one and he came along and we been together for a few years now but have known each other for a long time.
Relationships will come when your not actively looking for them.
There are lots of good guys on social-networking-for-cock sites. The trick in finding them is to have a fully filled out profile including a statement that reveals that you're a real human being with skills and likes. Also a profile pic that tells a story, not just a cock shot. Profiles with mostly "ask me" answers don't work, and single emoji messages don't work. Also, if his distance and location are out of whack, I take it as a tip-off that the other info in his profile can't be trusted.
When I posted my first print ad in the local gay newspaper they had a policy that 25 word ads were free, so that's mostly what you saw. I invested $20 in a long narrative ad and got 50+ replies, including a long letter that fascinated me, even though he was clearly too young - 20 to my 32 years. But I had to meet him, and a couple of months later we were living together!
how old is he and where does he live?
I'm of the view of developing a friendship first through shared interest and then extending it with a mutual sexual exploration: if the sex doesn't work out, there is always the friendship to fall back on so it isn't a complete loss.
As for performance anxiety and body image, sex is fundamentally about pleasure and sex with another is sharing mutual pleasure and maybe something more in intimacy: you don't feel anxious when masturbating and sharing sex often starts with mutual masturbation where you begin to learn what the other guy likes and they you (although both being men you will automatically share some similar likes). Feeling pleasure does not rely on particular body proportions or technique when we have all kinds of sex toys available if original equipment is not quite up to the task at hand, so focus on both having a good time by whatever way that is most practical and stop worrying about things that don't really matter. You can start slow and simple: don't have to explore the Kama Sutra on the first encounter.
If someone can only be interested in you in an absolute way without any flexibility due to the diverse nature of people, then perhaps they are not a suitable person to share yourself with.
@ Xersex - He is 70, but he didn't say where he lives.
Imho, he could begin by searching and having sex!
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