Good morning.
"I love your blog. You help a lot of people. Now I guess I need some. My younger brother was born with Achondroplasia only in his arms, which means they are very short. He can't dress or undress cuz he can't reach passed his abs. which means he needs help to pee and stuff and needs help showering. Our dad always helped with those things but he died last month. Our mom freaked out when he got a boner in the shower and now he wants to come live with me. I thought he should stay with our mom but he says he can't. He would get hard when dad washed him in the shower but he never said nothing about it. So now I need to figure things out how to help him. Any ideas would be really appreciated."
In other words, outside of the shortened limbs, everything else is normal ---- including sexual development and function. Difficulties with normal living can include:
We often don't think people with physical limitations have sexual needs, but they do. So, on a more personal level, talk to your brother about masturbation. Has he figured out how to thrust into a mattress or pillow and clean up after himself? Maybe get him something he can thrust into, like a FleshJack. Because if he can masturbate and cum, it might lower the chance his cock will get hard when being soaped up in the shower.
15 comments:
All seems like touching and caring and informed advice.
A really tough position to be in. Sorry about your father’s passing.
Tough for your mom and brother as well.
Something most of us never even considered having to go through.
Being showered and washed by our mother as an adult.
Good luck with it all.
Loved the photos with this post. P
Could he find a group facility that have a counselor who would help with his washing and dressing needs. Is he able to wipe himself? a facility might give him more freedom and chances to meet people with conditions like his, that would understand his difficulties. Widen his community of both guys and girls.
Mom sounds like an asshole, especially when she forbid you from taking over for the father.
Bravo to you for stepping up, and you need to tell her to either suck it up or shut the fuck up.
You gave very good advice. Yet another reason to be grateful for what we have.
My mom freaked when she came in to wake me up for school, and I was hard...under the sheet! My dad took over, and he did not even bat an eyelash when he caught me jacking off. If his mom can't deal with it, then the idea of talking to him about jerking off is good. But he might not want his mom washing him, which is why he wants to move out. I hope the brother can work out a way to solve this problem that will also maintain the younger man's dignity. Frankly, I would not have wanted my mom washing me.
Well, yes.
People who are differently abled DO have a sex drive AND sexual needs. He does not mention how old his brother is, but he's obvs past adolescence.
One solution: allowing his brother to stay with him. If there's impediments, they may have to think about in-home help, given that the mom freaked out (maybe she does not want to deal with that at this point in her life).
The idea to talk about masturbation with the brother is a good one, too. That would reduce the shower boners somehow...
He needs to decide if there's money for care or if he wants to have his brother come to live with him...
XOXO
I didn't know about this malfunction. I can easily imagine how embarrassing that could be.
This guy has all my sympathy.
Hugs and bisous, my darlings Jean and Pat.
Hope you'll enjoy a great weekend.
Thank you Pat you show a lot of kindness in giving good information to people who need it. Happy weekend. Hugs and bisous.
Quienes tenemos problemas discapacidades físicas no sólo tenemos las mismas necesidades sexuales sino quizás más por la falta de desahogo habitual. Quien necesita ayuda mental es la madre que debería saber a estas alturas como se desarrollan los hombres.
Creo que la mejor opción es un ayudante exclusivamente para esas funciones de limpieza y quizás un/a terapeuta sexual para solucionar el asunto sexual.
En cualquier caso parece mentira que se encuentren problemas de este tipo a estas alturas de la historia.
Joaquinitopez ~ Those of us with physical disabilities not only have the same sexual needs but perhaps more so due to the lack of regular relief. The one who needs mental help is the mother who should know by now how men develop.
I think the best option is an assistant exclusively for those cleaning functions and perhaps a sex therapist to solve the sexual issue.
In any case, it seems incredible that problems of this type are found at this point in history.
@ Joaquin - Thank you for commenting. You've brought the personal experience to bear and that's very important for the abled to understand.
The assistant is a good idea, and a sex therapist may indeed provide some insight and help for the young man.
Why does older brother think his younger brother should stay with the mother? What is his age? Or is it emotionally better for both of them with the father no longer in the picture? Too many unknowns.
Possible solution: Offer free or low-rent a room in exchange for live-in help. (Make sure to vet the person!!). There are trustworthy, decent low-income people that need housing and would willing to do yard work, house chores, and assisted living tasks in exchange for a room and board, or a roof over their head. With the father passed (condolences) it might be an additional win to have someone around to help.
Meantime IMO, older brother should help in the interim - assuming he lives in the vicinity or if not, have the younger brother come visit for a bit.
However this does raise another concern. What happens if/when the mother is no longer able to assist (or passes)? Is there a plan in place? May be best to explore what options are available for the younger brother, transitioning to something that addresses the future needs as well as the immediate.
My extended family has seen it's share of medical care situations turned on end due to an unexpected passing and no plan in place... (thought we had time to think about that).
And it's not just about making sure one's needs are met, but also preserving their dignity.
Reading between the lines, I suspect that the shower situation is the last straw for the brother, rather that it being the main reason for wanting to move out. His mother's reaction there will be just one of a series of happenings that his father used to insulate him from. What else is going on?
Does he also have a fear of what will happen to him when his mother passes away? He's already lost one stable person in his life. Moving in with his brother would be a way of transitioning his life away from parental dependence.
He's a fully functioning man who just happens to have short arms.
At the same time, from the mother's perspective, this is quite likely the first time she has seen an adult male erection other than her husband's and she has no idea what to do. Also, mothers don't like to think of their boys as sexual beings. Their sons will always be their baby boys and to have seen such blatant evidence that her son has grown up is uncomfortable. Oh, they know that when grandchildren arrive or we bring home a manfriend, that we are having sex, but they don't think about it. It's not dissimilar to us not wanting to think about our parents having sex.
The various suggestions given seem to me to be sensible, but a good start will be to have open and frank communications between the three of you about the best way forward. Having your brother move out without doing this will make your mother feel that she has failed as a parent. She has enough guilt in the back of her mind that she gave birth to a disabled child.
You would think by now there would be prosthetic extensions for short arms to provide greater autonomy.
Whilst it isn't a fix outside the home, a bidet could be useful for toileting at the home, although undressing and dressing would require mechanical assistance. Similarly, a shower doesn't have to have only a single overhead nozzle, but can have a string of them at various heights with the possibility of injecting body wash after an initial rinse, followed by a final rinse with the subject rotating to get a complete clean.
It would certainly be useful to have "the talk" with the youngster to gauge their current knowledge about sexuality and fill in or correct any deficiencies. Fleshlights come with mounting brackets to attach to walls etc for hands-free operation. In a more enlightened age I see nothing wrong with trusted others to lend a hand if an individual finds self-stimulation difficult, but I am sure there will be numerous ways someone with short arms could find as a solution: necessity is the mother of invention. Many are the anecdotes of using a jet of water for penile stimulation to orgasm.
Paid care can be expensive and whilst sometimes it is the only practical solution, especially for things like random trips out of the house where facilities are unlikely to cater to the needs of this person, providing them with greater autonomy would be better.
what problem! I can understand that this is embarrassing for the mother
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