"I have a probloem I don't know how to solve. I'm in my late 30's and my soul mate and best friend is the love of my life. I'd kill for him. I'd take a bullet for him. We do everything together. I love spending time with him and hate being away from him. The problem: He''s gay and out and I'm straight. I'm afraid to tell him how much I love him because I don't know how. I mean I'm willing to try sex but the thought doesn't get me hard and I wouldn't know what to do or where to start."
I'm not sure I have any sure-fire solutions for you.
I can tell you that tons of straight guys enjoy jerking off with other guys.
Maybe that's where you start and see if you do get hard.
But at the same time you might want to tell him how you feel, too.
I should caution you to steel yourself for any reaction. Shock will probably be the first and you may have to give him time to come to terms with the development.
Perhaps my readers can suggest a way to proceed.
19 comments:
You love him the way he is, he loves you the way you are, so why do you want to change anything?
My son has a friend he didn't know was gay. When he found out, he just said,
"I didn't know. If you're happy like that, everything is fine."
Hugs and bisous, my darlings Jean and Pat.
That is a hard one. I think I'd keep things like they are. But since the friend is gay he will mostly likely understand. I just worry sometimes..things can go awry...and his friend could aldo get uneasy and bolt if he doesn't feel the same Its always best to just come clean I find. I and the Lumbersexual, but gay and bi... were the same. I finally went for it...and turned out he was as sexually attracted to me as I too him.
Well that is a very sensitive matter that is raised here, by the mean that true and longtime friendship between two people, especially from the same gender, is not something to tread lightly with when it comes to upper the level of mutual sincerity. And we're talking about feelings here. As in sentiments, restrained by the different approaches of respective sexualities.
I strangely beg to differ with you Pat, as much as I agree at the same Time (that’s totally me :-)
We humans are sexual beings, and some if not many men are used to jerking off together - mutually even - since they were boys. In that regard this is an opportunity that could 'come up' for you and your dear friend and that could lead to confessing how much you are both enjoying spending time together, even if only for occasional intimate moments. The point being to remain honest as to your own way of figuring that kind of intimacy, which your friend should understand as he's known for long how straight your sexual inclinations are.
On the other hand I get the feeling that the actual question is not that much about the sexual approach than it is about to tell your friend the depth of your feelings, Possibly as if he was your soul-mate. This is not uncommon among straight men. What seems to make you think this is an issue is that your best friend is gay. So it seems to me that you are projecting your own fear of a misunderstanding onto your friend's supposedly way to react, due to his gay orientation.
As I do not know the both of you, there is no accurate way for me to provide you with THE accurate advice. Still, I think you could wait for a moment that feels right for you both, when you feel at ease and confident enough, and you feel your friend is in a sharing mood too. A simple moment such as having a coffee or else at a terrace. A soothing moment like true friends can share.
Then speak your mind freely and in simple words.
Saying 'I love you' to someone can be the simplest of thing once we get rid of the cultural preconceived notions we were raised with. It is also the most important and sincere way to ascertain how bounded we are to someone.
Or... you can wait and figure out what's really going on with your feelings, giving yourself and to both your lives time to see how your relationship evolves, while keeping on enjoying what you already have.
And finally - please, do not bite me - ask yourself what your true and inner motivation is about.
If anything, what you will say must be for the benefit of that friend of yours whom you love. If you are not willing, or prepared, to meet whatever need your confession might rise in him, then do not put your relationship at risk.
As usual, just my two cents.
it is evident that he has fallen in love with his best friend. I were him I would tell him openly and frankly. And I would also try sex, perhaps starting with hugs and kisses!
Wow. Depending on how much time you spend together, I wonder if your friend knows or suspects your affection for him.
If he's the great guy you say he is, I think he'd be very willing to take it slow and introduce you to gay things.
There are things you can do to get used to the idea of 'advanced male bonding.' Things that will get you used to 'touching' him-- the physical side of love--
--Do you sit down and watch TV or videos together? Sit on the couch next to each other? Sit close enough that your legs touch??
--Sit with your arms around each other's shoulders?
--Smear suntan lotion on his back?
--Go skinny dipping together?
You say the thought of sex with your best friend doesn't get you hard. Do any thoughts of him do get you hard? Kissing? Cuddling? Jerking off together (whether you stroke each other or just yourselves)?
--PaulMmn
I assume that neither one has a bf/gf right now. If that is the case, then I think the straight friend should talk with his gay friend about his love and feelings for him, even if he is uncertain about taking it to a sexual level. If they are that close, I imagine that this would not be a conversation that could risk the friendship. Best wishes to them both!
And if you simply speak up and tell him how you feel, you might be very surprised when he says, "I already know that." Sometimes actions speak louder than words. Hugs and bisous.
That's an interesting twist. It is usually the other way around.
Of note, you say "I love him" but you did not say "I'm in love with him." Big difference and one which will need much thought on your part before saying anything.
Don't assume either that he will automatically want to have sex with you although if you are as close as you describe, he might. The fact that you are considering having sex with him makes one wonder if you might be bi or gay? Again, I'd say have an honest and very frank self assessment before making an approach about love and/or sex. You really don't want to muck this up and make a nice friendship awkward.
Good luck
Wow, I am glad to see that other people are in similar situations. In my case neither one of us is gay, but I believe we love each other more than anyone else that has ever been in our lives. We are comfortable with each other to jerk off together, but that’s as far as that has ever gone. In short, the best description I have for the way we live is that we are brothers from other mothers. Sometimes a little intimacy would be nice (not looking for sex), but I know that will never happen. You just have to decide what’s most important in a relationship to make it work.
Kudos for realizing that you do in fact love your best friend!
This could go badly... but who knows your gay friend may already have an idea there is something more below the surface. Not being an expert in human relations...and the popular notion of fluid sensuality who knows. What is your motivation? If you are not interested in jumping the fence to the boys then perhaps you are bi. Regardless it seems you have deeply rooted feelings. It's hard to know is this a boy crush, more platonic... or like the series sex in the city..." is he the one,,,". Who you can now marry and perhaps have a more committed relationship? Or is it a fixation that may just fade away. Usually it is the gay boy enamored with the straight boy who probably wouldn't go for some "rough trade"... and is left feeling hurt by feeling not reciprocated. If you really are straight... see Kinsey scale for gradations between totally heterosexual to totally homosexual....and you care about your friend have a candid conversation. You have feelings for him but are really straight.. crossing the line of what your current relationship is as pals with lots in common but not in the bedroom is complicated. You both may need to discover and decide to leave things as they are or see if there is something more. Neither of you should be pressured to do anything or compromise yourself in anyway just cement a relationship as I mentioned at the beginning could go badly. Open communication is key
Not all love need be sexual. You can love without a sexual component. I love my ex. Adore him. He drives me crazy, but I care incredibly deeply for him. I would never allow harm to come to him. I plan on taking care of him for the rest of my life. But sex? No. You're 30, so not all that mature... maturity will help this dawn on you, they way it finally dawned on me. You can't be careless with people. I think declaring your love and letting him know that there is not a sexual component to it is the place to start. You get to make the rules, you two. For there are NO RULES. Define your relationship any way you like. Good luck. I adore love. There are so very many kinds.
He can love his friend and not have sex with him.
He can tell him friend he loves him, without implicating they have to sleep together.
Sometimes we fuck up friendships because we sleep with our best friends. Sometimes we find the love of our lives.
He's going to have to make a decision.
XOXO
So many good responses here.
I hope my readers have been able to help guide you with this.
I read some, but not all of the responses above. I think most of us are on the same wavelength. I"ve been in love with a straight friend before and it was horrible for me that I never tried to find out if he felt ANY of that back. We were very close and even jerked off together (not helping each other out). We definitely cared for each other. Assuming neither of you are in a relationship, I think its time for some honest conversation. STart it off with I would never want to lose your friendship but I have some questions for you. Tell him you care for him deeply and just start chatting as long as its going well. I do think that IF you are going to have a relationship that will last, then you will need to be open to having sex with him. I disagree with other commenters about that. If you are both still sexually active and needing sex in your lives, I don't think that this would last long without it. I do believe that you don't have to commit to anal sex with him to get what you both need. You just need to start with the conversations about your feelings and then go from there. You do have to prepare yourself for him not to reciprocate and even to be worried that if it doesn't go well that you would run. Just prepare for all possibilities and follow your heart.
There is so much more to a same sex relationship than just the sex. From the way this reads this guy is looking for a serious relationship with his friend. One where they live in the same house and have a life together. But before any of this can happen this guy needs to answer the question of whether he can deal with other people thinking he's gay. You know they will. And can he go out in public and hold his friends hand in front of other people. And can he not sleep with anyone else to be in this relationship. Give up sex with women forever. Can he take it that people want to kill him because of who he loves. He has to accept all of this first before talking to his friend. He can't expect his friend to go back into the closet just for a relationship with him. I have straight friends who I love. And I have even told them that sometimes I wish they would wake up and want to be with me. But I also tell them that if anything was to happen between us they would have to make the first move. I don't want to have one of those situations where they pretend they were drunk and that's why it happened. If it happened I would want a serious commitment to really try for a relationship. And this guys friend deserves the same.
I think men talk about love and relationships too readily, because that's what women and society push us towards to meet their objectives, when I think men mainly want sex and good times and these don't necessarily have to be with women.
Sex is sex and love is something very different, at least for men I believe, although the two are often pushed together. Sex itself covers a wide gamut and doesn't have to be penetrative: you do as much or as little as you both feel comfortable with.
I think it is tragic that men generally don't feel they can have recreational sex with other men, like having a game of tennis or raquetball: it's just another activity men can share which can bring them enjoyment. When a man masturbates, he is having sex with a man (even though that man is himself) and men performing an activity together is the epitome of masculinity. Unfortunately I think the propaganda of homophobia has conditioned men to not even be able to imagine having sexual contact with another man. I believe the thinking is that it always has to be a full-on relationship too when it can be merely friends with benefits or stretch across the spectrum of platonic friends to full-on relationship.
It's perfectly acceptable for men to have strong feelings for another man without it being sexual: love takes many forms including (but not necessarily) lust. It's also perfectly acceptable for men to just want sex with other men without even feeling affection. Society has traditionally straight-jacketed men with what is possible or acceptable: in the 1800's I believe even masturbation was deliberately suppressed through fiendish devices and I wouldn't be surprised if circumcision was a way to reduce the pleasure for men so they didn't practice it as often (as if).
In the case of the OP, I think it is important that he tell his gay friend that he likes spending time with him, and likes him, a lot, but feels confused over whether the friendship could or even should go any further and is interested in his perspective. Then discuss boundaries and possible options for further exploration (or not) depending on how you both feel. You aren't going to get anywhere without clear communication.
Gay relationships are not necessarily monogamous and some men maintain a relationship with more than one man with sometimes the type of relationship differing between them. Being gay has opened up a whole avenue of options that are usually more limited for straight relationships.
As for being straight, someone once said that every gay man is a little bit straight and every straight man is a little bit gay. I think this comes from the reality that sex is sex for men and who it is with is less important than having it, depending on circumstances. Until you face the reality of sex with another man, you won't know how you really feel and whether it is society's conditioning and lack of other opportunity resulting in you saying no, just to fit in, or whether you really aren't interested in sex with a man.
The thing about sexuality is that it is diverse and covers a broad spectrum: not just from gay to straight but in behaviour and practice. There is no shame about being on a particular point in that spectrum.
However, before the OP does anything else, I think he should explore his own full erotic potential: it's an extension of masturbation, but it puts a man better in touch with his body and somewhat demystifies the gay experience and takes some of the fear out of exploration because it is completely under your own control.
I'm a gay man and I've had very close friendships with gay men I'm in love with, but didn't have a successful sexual relationship with.
I've had sex with men I wasn't in love with. Sex and love aren't the same thing and most men know this, especially gay men.
It's obviously not something you know how to talk about, but if I know anything about out men your friendship can survive mistakes and misunderstandings. Just stay safe
I was 64 when a 17 year old came to work with us... we had an almost instant bond.. I'm homosexual and he seems to be non-sexual.. I'm now 71 and he is 24.. He knows exactly how much I love him because I tell him often, and he loves me and tells me often.. We have no sexual interest in each other but he's not afraid of me and never has been.. we cry easily in front of one another over many things.. music and history and life situations. A man can love a man with his entire being .. even "take a bullet".. and not have to worry about sex mucking things up.. "Never lovers, Ever friends" is a fair rule.. Your gay true love might very well be perfectly happy without a physical relationship. At the same time, there's nothing wrong with exposing your naked body and experiencing sexual pleasure, slowly and carefully, with a man you love. You're extremely lucky to have found such a love as you describe. Put your arm around him and ask if he understands how much he means to you. Don't be afraid. Cry if you need to. And if for some reason you decide to touch his body, who better than your soul mate? Best wishes for a calm and rewarding outcome! Uncle Vic
@ Uncle Vic - What a beautiful relationship! Yes, there definitely is a way to be soul mates and love deeply without sex. I wish more people would understand that sex is not a necessity - in fact, many times it kills relationships.
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