Wednesday, April 11, 2012

Ask Pat

I may take some heat from the ladies over this one, but I hope not.

A faithful reader sent me a scanned copy from an advice column. The one from the mainstream press. You know the one I'm talking about. He indicated, that if I'd seen the column, I'd like to find a way to respond because he felt the advice columnist gave a pretty lame answer. Yep! He's right. I did see it, I did want to respond to it.

So, the gist of the question was this:

"My husband and I are in our early 30's and have been married for five years. He's bright, sweet, outgoing, and very good-looking. He's in excellent shape and works out at the gym daily. He's become friendly with a group of men who are all good-looking and in tip-top shape. They are also gay. One in particular has become quite close to my husband, often jokes about "recruiting" him and comments on his popularity with "the boys."
"My work requires a lot of travel. My husband has been frequenting Gay Bars with this new friend and gets hit on often. I know he enjoys the attention. He also seems considerably less interested in sex lately.
"I hate to think of my husband alone and lonely while I'm away, but his going to gay bars every night is beginning to worry me. If I say anything, he guilt-trips me about my travel.
"Is it normal for a straight man to seek out the company of gay men?"

The advice columnist responded:

"It is unusual for a straight man to frequent gay bars. But would you feel better if he was going to straight bars every night and getting hit on by women?
"Your greater concern, in my opinion, should be his change of pattern in behavior. If he's less interested in sex with you, then you need to find out why. I have always favored the direct approach. The person you should be discussing this with is your husband. When you do be frank, but not accusatory, and do not allow him to make you feel guilty about your business travel."

Well, now. First off, the letter sure seems like a hoax to me. But let's say, for argument's sake, it's real. The first thing I would've said was, "No person, man or woman, can be "recruited" into being gay." Having gay friends, going out for drinks with them, and having a good time should NOT be unusual. Sad that the columnist didn't say that!

If the guy seems less interested in sex with his wife, it may be he harbors some resentment over such frequent travel and long separations. He may be conjuring the gay bar scenarios just to make her jealous - to see how interested his wife is in him. I'd suggest she invite him to accompany her on the business trips once in a while. Sex in strange hotel rooms is high on the fantasy list for many men. He may surprise her and give her a roll in the hay she'd never forget!

It may be he's jerking off with his new-found buddy (or buddies). It may be he's shoving his cock through glory holes. It's more likely he's jacking off every day. None of these would be an indication he's become gay. It may indicate he's a young, healthy guy who is proclaiming he's learning to be self-sufficient. It indicates he's learning that he really is part of a brotherhood and sexual orientation has nothing to do with it.

Maybe it indicates he's learning to be more open and unashamed of the phsysiological functions of the male anatomy. Straight guys (for the most part) are ashamed to admit to their buddies they jack off - and if they do admit it - they won't admit to enjoying it. He may be learing it's okay to admit these things to his new-found brother(s) and perhaps he's learning from them how to enjoy those things more.

If he's getting to know his cock better, there's no doubt she'll benefit if she doesn't get all freaky about it and instead encourages him in his efforts and then shares in that knowledge.


CoreyJo said...

While I agree with you on all accounts I also agree with the columnist on a few points.

I believe the wife does have the right to be concerned that her husband's sex drive is changing. I also agree with them on the fact that she should be asking him and talking with him about her concerns. She needs to tell him that she's not comfortable with his friends behavior ask the friend to please refrain from doing that out of respect for her, the wife. What's said when she's not around is one thing, but if she's not comfortable with it he should be respectful of his friends wife and not say those things when she is around.

I think that it's only natural for any person, male or female, to be worried in a situation like this. Things are changing and that can be scary. Having said that I also believe that if you're worrying this much about it then you also need to look at yourself. Look hard and try to understand why you are so insecure about your partner.

I don't think that it matters if it's a gay bar or a straight bar. If he's inclined to cheat he's going to cheat. Also if he's going to cheat most likely he's not going to be going out and about in public. He's going to be keeping quiet and private.

Also no one can MAKE you feel guilty. Guilt is your own feelings of unease with something YOU have done.

Basically I feel that, if this is a real letter, the wife has issues with trust and is insecure. If writing the letter gave her the courage to talk to her husband then bravo, but nothing will will be resolved if she doesn't first look at herself and ask, "why am I so paranoid about this?" and nothing will be resolved if she doesn't talk to the husband. She must also be prepared for any answer he may have for her. She must acknowledge before hand that all her fears may be warranted and she may find out something she wishes she didn't know. She has to ask herself if she's willing to have an open and accepting mind & attitude to whatever he has to say.


becca said...

I agree with both you and Corey on this one and I agree with the columnist this wife need to be direct and have an honest open tlk with hubby. I firmly believe that you can't make a person become something they are not you can't turn them gay, you can't make them a cheater or anything else it's in their DNA.If they are going to cheat it's going to be by their own choice not because someone forced them. Just like if someone is gay they are born that way no one forces them or changes them it is just who they are. so she really needs to talk with hubby and work things out a change in sex drive may be signs of something medical or maybe it's her maybe he is feeling left out with all her travel but talking is a good things. Just my opinion.


Today's photos are great! Man-to-man sex, gay or straight, is something to be encouraged!

Eddie said...

I saw this column ... my thoughts are this. The wife says her husband is considerably less interested in sex. The question is, is SHE considerably less interested in sex? If she is away a lot of the time and rarely expresses interest, then he is probably going to drift elsewhere. Sex is a 2-way street and guys like to know their partner is also interested enough to initiate. It really is true that when foreplay is 20 minutes of the man begging and pleading (unless a guy is abusive and forces himself on the wife ... ugh), the guy is going to eventually find that demeaning, and possibly drift elsewhere.

This syndrome is especially common in older couples, where one is healthy and the other isn't. Untreated menopause is a classic cause.

whkattk said...

@ Eddie - angle I'd not thought of. Yeah, it's very common for men to grow weary of always being the one to chase and being turned down. We understand tired from the work travel - but, if the relief isn't forthcumming we'll cum somewhere else.