Questions seem to come in spurts. Most I can answer with confidence, particularly if it's a subject I can research before offering some type of advice. This time, well... I'm at a loss.
"I've asked other bloggers and even asked Savage. I've gotten no response but after stumbling across your blog and doing a bit of surfing through it seems like you answer everything that gets thrown at you.
We were sitting as a family watching a tv show that included a sex scene with two guys. It didn't really show anything but it had an obvious effect on our son. I mean, a serious log snaked down a pantleg. He did his best to discreetly adjust but that's actually what caused us to notice.
Now we don't care if he's gay or not we just want him to be happy and well adjusted. How do we handle this? Do I just come out and ask him if he's gay?"
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Well, the boner doesn't mean he's gay. At his age, all guys are super-charged with hormones and pretty much any sex scene could cause a hard-on. Hell, I'm sure you remember at that age your cock didn't need any reason to pop wood. Without notice, wham!
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There it is: Hard as a tree limb. And, damned uncomfortable if crammed into pants.
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But do you ask him if he's gay? I don't know. I've got zero experience with this. My inclination is to say, "No. Let him come to you." But, at the same time, he'll need your support, to know you love him and don't care if he's into cock.
Readers????
24 comments:
I agree - viewing any sexual scenes regardless of who is involved is sexually arousing - I don't think they need to ask him directly - they need to have an open, loving and nonjudgmental relationship with him so that he is free to be who he is and feels free to share that with them. Their modeling of positive, healthy attitudes toward sexuality is the key I think. Have a super duper weekend, bro. Hugs, Licks, and Strokes, AOM
Turn the situation around. If the son had gotten a boner while watching a hetero couple kiss, would they have felt the need to ask him if he was straight?
Turn the situation around. If the son had gotten a boner while watching a hetero couple kiss, would they have felt the need to ask him if he was straight?
When he's ready to come out, he will. Asking him before he's ready is likely to just drive him further into the closet. But what you can do is, in very general terms, let him know that you love him unconditionally and that he shouldn't be afraid to tell you anything. And be sure not to react negatively to the idea of homosexuality. If he sees you being accepting of others who are gay, he'll be more inclined to be open with you.
From someone that stayed in denial most of his life, I would say don't ask. If he is not ready, the answer most likely will be no. This is the big one, if he has not accepted it himself, the answer will be no. There is no other possible answer.
When my mom asked me, the answer was no. And it was no again, when she had her friend, an FBI agent, ask me. I don't know if he thought I was lying or not or just couldn't tell. I didn't even know at the time. Years later, I heard that he reported, I wasn't. (Note, this was the early 70's not an accepting time to be gay.)
Be sure he knows you are accepting of what ever he is. It will carry more weight, if he has observed you being accepting of others LGBT's in the past.
He will know if you are sincere. Kids always know. If he has heard you make disparaging remarks in the past of LGBT for what ever reason, these past remarks may weigh against the sincerity of today's message.
I am ignoring the effects that religion can have. Makeing this an even more uncomfortable issue to talk about.
I think the host is right. There is a good chance it is just hormones. At that age just the utterance of any sexual word can be a trigger. Even clothing position itself can be a trigger.
So I would say, don't ask. Continue to be accepting and LGBT positive. And wait. There is a good chance it just hormones. If the family has a history of LGBT members, then its a little more possible. At that age who knows, he may not know. Just be loving and accepting parents.
Okay - after re-reading your article and further reflection. I want to say the question should never be asked. When an LGBT person is ready, they will let you know their status. For some, at least me, there was/is a process: Not knowing, Self denial, Self recognition/acknowledgement, maybe a bit of grieving, self acceptance, reaching a level of being comfortable with self, reaching a point of being comfortable with others close to you knowing, and finally reaching a point of being comfortable with anyone knowing. On that last one, I am not there yet.
From the coming out videos I have watched, it appears for some the process was easier, than it was for me. It may be me, the era, and the environment I grew up in.
Final note worth repeating: Just be loving and accepting parents.
- another anonymous reader that (almost) never comments
No! Don't ask him outright! He'd probably say "NO!" Hope you have a good weekend. We had some good rain yesterday, the first for 63 days! Ankle/foot healing well. But I'm still using a walking stick when I'm out and about.
You didn't mention the son's age, and that can make a big difference. But regardless of age, every parent needs to set an open and loving environment that allows any child to self-determine their sexual orientation. And I certainly agree that a boner from a sexual situation on tv doesn't equal gay. Let him know constantly that he can share anything with you, and leave verbal clues that you are accepting of LGBT people, and he'll let you know when he's ready to talk.
He contradicts himself. He says "we don't care if he's gay or not we just want him to be happy."
"Or not" meaning or heterosexual, obviously.
I imagine that if he had thought that his son is heterosexual, being a man who doesn't care if he is heterosexual or not, he would not have felt the need to ask him if he is heterosexual.
It is logical and coherent.
But then, if he thinks that his son is a homosexual, being a man who don't care if he is gay or not, why does he feel the need to ask him if he is gay or not?
It is not logical and incoherent.
And it would have no beneficial impact on the goal of a man who wants his son to be happy.
But it would have a benreficial impact on the goal if the goal is to satisfy an unhealthy curiosity of the father.
Have a wondrous weekend, my darlings Jean and Pat.
Love, hugs and bisous.
I agree with your take on this. Bonkers are natural and don't imply anything.
Yes, he should wait for his son to say something to him. First, a boner at his age can come from anything, so it might not be about the gay sex scene. Besides seeing anything sexual at his age could be boner-inducing. Secondly, I think the dad could say things about gays that are uplifting to show his son that he is accepting. That would make it easier should he be gay and want to come out.
Let the kid figure things out for himself. At that age they are more confused than they ever will be.
Being in that situation I can tell you now the last thing that kid wants is his parents asking what way do you go? Half the time he not even going to know what he wants for breakfast. It puts pressure on the relationship the parents have with the kid for no reason.
If the kid is gay maybe its time for the parents to grow up. Take the time to educate yourselves on the matter before you run the risk of ostracizing your own child from lack of knowledge/understanding. If that happens you will never have a normal relationship with your child for a long time.
Find some way to let him know that it's OK to be gay or straight or experiment. Let him know you have gay friends, for example.
Asking a son or daughter about their sexual orientation depends a lot on their age in my opinion. If your son was 25 - 35 when you had questions about him,I would say that the son MAY and I stress MAY be ready enough to handle a question like that. A lot depends on how you raise him. If you regularly shared information about "life" then I think asking a question like that in his adult or even young adult years would make it easier for the son to be more open to talking about it. ( I put quotation around "life" because I believe kids need to be taught lessons in life. Not just sex, but how to accept people who are different in race, sexual orientation,people with disabilities etc. how to deal with peer pressure. All these things that should be instilled into them at a young age. They should be taught that some people are different and learn how understand those differences other than make fun of them. The most important thing when imparting this knowledge is them knowing that whatever road they take you would be there to support them because you love them.
With that said, if you continue to impart knowledge on this level you really wouldn't have to ask that question at any age. But you could continue to make him or know that whatever they need to talk to you about they can without fear of scociety judgment.
Ps. With sex being marketed like its candy in a store, I think it is equally important to warn about the dangers of sex with numerous partners. I Unfortunately sex is bombarded in our media and in our culture. So the importance of sexual responsibilities and protection should play a part of your conversation as well.
NO, don't ask him if he is gay, no way!
If he noticed that you noticed he had a hard-on, some neutral comment would be a good way to go. Something like, "That dang thing pops up all the time don't it. Don't fret, i was young once, so i know it has a mind of its own!!" (re-phrase however is appropriate to you).
he could ask not directly, making him confortable and sure to be accepted even if he would be gay!
A few thoughts come to mind simultaneously:
(a) Yes, it's probably at least partly hormones. Not everything that gives you a boner as an adolescent is determinative of your sexual orientation. After all, we don't all grow up to have school bus fetishes after riding the bus in junior high!
(b) If you honestly don't care, don't ask. If you want to discreetly let him know you will still love & support him no matter what, then express it in your daily life. When some boneheaded politician says something idiotic about gay people on the news, express your exasperation out loud. (Example by opposition: When I was about 15, the Three Mile Island nuclear reactor accident happened and was a big deal. One evening we were watching the news about it, and my dad said, apropos of nothing, "THAT'S what they should do with all the queers --- round them up and put them to work in nuclear reactors!" He often had derogatory remarks about "queers," but that experience told me I could never come out to my dad. I never have. He's surely figured it out after 25+ years of the same "companion" and the sudden appearance of wedding rings after my state legalized domestic partnerships, but I've never told him I was gay. If you don't want that, then don't be like my dad.)
(c) Regardless of orientation, I would think he'd be super embarrassed to find out that his mom and dad had noticed his boner and talked about it!
No, don't ask. The kid needs time to figure everything out himself. When and if he feels comfortable talking about his sexuality to his parents he will.
I'm gonna chime in here as a 18 yo guy who still gets boners from seeing damn near anything His dad shouldn't ask him. What would be the point? If my dad asked me I'm not sure what I woud say probably that I don't know yet because I think men AND women are hot - R
Jeff said: re the Mum and Dad that spotted the boner snaking down their boy's leg during a gay sex scene, its a definite no from me. If its not an issue for them, why even bring it up?
The story of Jr. watching a gay sex scene and getting a boner didn't mention Jr.'s age. I'm assuming from the context that he's a teenager, still living at home.
I agree-- let Jr. make the first move. As a young man, any question from Dad will likely result in a denial from Jr. And likely make Jr. all the more likely to make sure he never shows Dad any hint of being gay (unless Jr. is very self confident!).
Dad can make things as easy as possible-- make sure there are no un-friendly comments about gays- even innocent-sounding jokes.
As far as Jr. is concerned, he may be gay, he may not be... He may already be curious enough and be experimenting with a loyal buddy, just to see what all the fuss is about! - Paul
@ R - You know I don't care one way or the other. Enjoy it, that's what it's there for. -Dad
I grew up in the late 1970's. Never had a girlfriend in high school or college. Had my parents asked, I probably would have said no. They never asked. Like others, my family only said derogatory things about homosexuals. Had anything positive been said, then maybe things would have worked out differently. Conforming to pressure I eventually got married and have 2 kids. I love them and my wife, but I surely have tendencies toward homosexual desire. Would I have been happier one way or the other is hard to say. But now, I just must accept the life I choose. I can't risk actually being with a guy as my wife would not be accepting and I surely do not want to destroy the relationship with my kids.
I wrote about my life to give Dad insight. Yes, it is probably just teenage hormones. But it could be that the kid questions his sexuality. Give him the love to know that homosexual or straight is okay with you and his mother. To my way of thinking either path is acceptable but you must stay on the path you choose. I know this is a crazy mixed up answer, but it is my experience.
agreed
Don't ask, but do tell him it's alright, whether he's gay or not.
In a way, I'm lucky. My dad actually walked in on me and some friends jerking off once. I'm sure if we had some straight porn, he would've gone off about what the women in those movies go through. (My parents had no issues with gay people, but they assumed all straight porn was rape. And there was very much a double standard in their opinion of porn.) Awkward, but survivable.
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