So, I took my own advice but didn't take my own advice. I turned off all news. And opted for a massage to take my mind off things and salve the anxiety and relieve tension. Goal achieved.
Perhaps if I had continued to "keep an eye on it,"
things wouldn't have looked so dreary. As many Readers pointed out, it's not as awful as I believed. There was no Blue Tsunami --- but there was no red Wave, either.
"Twenty years ago I happened to couch surf at my uncles apartment. He's like 6 years older then me, was divorced with daughter that stayed with his ex. A week into my stay my nuts felt like they were going to explode so I went into the bathroom and turned on the shower as cover. He swears to this day that he knocked before he came in to piss. Well, the rest is history as they say. He saw me through med school and we're still together happily married. His ex-wife is about the only one in the family that hasn't accepted us. Anyway his daughter is like 25 and getting married. We're footing the bill. Well he is and I'm not invited. He says he won't go if I can't. His daughter wants him there and I think he should go. I'll survive the slight without causing a big family rift. We read together and want to know which one you agree with."
Damn, I'm beginning to feel like Dear Abby with some of the questions I'm fielding lately.
My opinion is that if your attendance is going to cause a big family row, stay home. If anyone wants to know why you aren't there, he can say you had a medical conference you couldn't afford to miss. That way, there's peace in the family, his daughter will have her father there, and future holidays won't be filled with animosity.
You have the place to yourself. Enjoy your day doing whatever it is you do when you're left to your own devices.
Should he attend or stay home?
24 comments:
Ohhh that story is kind of steamy?
And I'm confused as to the uncle getting married to him?
Ok, so then I agree the husband/uncle should go and that's it. No skin off his teeth if he does not go, right? What's the problem?
I appreciate the husband saying he won't go without the husband but it's a heteronormative rite of passage. Who cares? The husband can go, see the daughter down the aisle and come back home and bang him. And everybody is happy.
XOXO
The dad should go. He'll regret it later if he doesn't. He also needs to look at the bigger picture of future relations with his daughter, potential grandkids, etc. He doesn't want there to be lingering bad feelings if he doesn't attend.
Who did the invites? Was it the ex-wife?
What was not stated was how the daughter feels about all this. Does she want her dad's husband to attend? Does she accept them as a couple? It is her (and her fiancé's wedding) - what do THEY want? Ultimately it should be her decision.
AS someone who came out late in life (to my wife at the time), I have had my own issues through the years but most of them worked out. Add a relative to the mix and it gets even stickier. If this is a non-blood relative, then this should be a non-issue honestly. Most are only weirded out about that. If I were the uncle/husband, I would go to my daughter's wedding. My daughter and I are estranged simply because she puts her religion before her relationship with my husband and me. I have only met her 2 children because my x wife has done a great job of keeping me in pictures and we have been at 2 family gatherings together where my x wife brought them over for a few minutes. I would give anything to have a relationship with my daughter again though I have gotten way past the grief from the beginning of this happening 9 years ago. I would tell her that I will come to the wedding without him, but future family gatherings will have to be different and that I will not promise the same in the future. I would tell her I love her, but I love him too and it's not fair to make me choose. Then I would go, support my daughter and do my best to keep my relationship with her.
They should both go. He is paying for the wedding. When they start excluding you from one thing then it will be other get togethers and so on. Nip it in the bud. Forgiveness is easier to get than permission. You are a couple and weddings celebrate couples. We need to put our foot down. She might be mad at first but will get over it in time. We need to stand up and take a firm stand.
If Maximus is not invited than I am not invited. We are a unit. Maximus is part of me. Do not give in. You do not have to sit in the row with his ex wife, but a row back. No big show, just a presence. You should not be pushed aside or given any less respect..
The etiquette books, like Emily Post and Miss Manners, state that a married couple is invited as a unit. If you invite one, you have to invite the other. This wouldn't be the first time a divorced person comes face to face with the ex-partner's current spouse. For her daughter's sake, the ex-wife has to put on her big girl panties and deal with it. After all, she's the problem, not her ex and his current husband.
Why is he paying for this kind of treatment? What does the daughter think about this situation?
I love the way you think, Sixpence :-)
Speaking of normative, the bride is entitled to thinking whatever she wants yet she is still imposing her own rules to her father, thus disrespecting his very own choice of life and love. Maybe not the best auspice to a forthcoming union. Anyway. I think the father and his husband should consider that wedding in terms of how much involved it makes them feel. Once you get rid of the (so-called) social obligations and you actually put first the true relationship you have with others, the choice to attend with or without YOUR loved one appears more clear.
For as much as the sender's message says, the daughter might be under the remaining influence of her mother who clearly disapproves of her ex's ways and choice, making the whole thing a petty revenge by proxy.
Then the choice remains to either discard the invitation or to both show up to demonstrate at a wedding that love supersedes whatever offuscated conventions the ex-wife is trying to spread through an event thet does not belong to her.
What I’d do as a father? I’d say to my husband let’s make an example and show them how much beautiful we are. Point blank.
(or just order the teapot on the wedding list and go spend your weekend elsewhere, the two of you :-)
Once I got past my initial reaction to the fact that you married your uncle who is only six years older than you, I realize there is more family dynamics going on here than revealed in your letter. It's interesting that your uncle is that young. However, you state "we are paying for the wedding." OK...you paid; you go. Get what you paid for. As for the rest of it, just say, "Get over it, sweetie. This is the way life is and here we are."
As for what happens in the future, one cannot predict the future anyway. Deal with that later and it's bound to be complicated.
What is more important, the day or the relationship with the daughter. How important will this be in five, ten years??? Hugs and bisous.
Wait, he married his uncle? I'm sure that caused all kind of shit right there. And anyone who can't accept me as gay or part of a gay couple, gets written off. I don't need them in my life.
I’m still confused- he married his uncle?
Stay ast home is the easier solution
At the end of the day, it's about relationships, not the traditional trappings that go along with them.
Marriage celebrations survive not having the Father of the bride walk them down the aisle, because its about the couple getting married. It isn't as though the Father is giving away his daughter any more as they are generally independent way before marriage happens (it used to be the case when the woman lived at home under the care and protection of the Father until she got married, but those days are long gone).
Therefore, I would suggest either going as a couple or staying away as a couple as it is the relationship that is the most important thing. The daughter should understand and if she feels strongly enough, she should dictate they either both be there or not at all.
@ Jean - I would think the long-term relationship with the daughter. Hugs and bisous.
@ Sixpence - Looks like that fact stunned / confused a lot of readers. Though I don't know why.... XOXO
@ taurus - The small age gap happens. Used to happen all the time back in the days before easy access to contraceptives.
@ Maddie - It would appear so. With an age gap that small, I say "why not?"
@ Redwing - It looks that way.
The wedding is the daughter's day... it's about her. Her wishes should be honored. It's quite simple. It's not a time to make a stand for gay rights. It's her wedding. Make her happy. He needs to man up, bite his tongue and have a lovely time with the child he brought into this world. Our responsibilities do not end the day they leave the nest. We are parents until the day one of us leaves this earth. Do the right thing. Do right by her.
As for the Blue Wave - we had one in MN and that makes me happy. I refused to look at the results and only learned second hand. Georgia astounds me. Walker is such a case of brain damage. But more alarming... Sarah Huckabee is now the Governor of one of the worst states in the union. I'm sure that hell hole will just become a bastion for racism, lies, corruption and stupidity. DESTROY THE GOP - The fight goes on!
Regarding the age gap, I myself am 17 years younger than my oldest brother - we're seven siblings. And my first nephew Was born when I was 7.
And the writer may have simply married the former husband of his aunt, thus the two men not being related by blood. Which wouldn't actually matter anyway: I seem to remember, Pat, that a few months ago another of your visitors wrote to you about his relationship with his cousin, am I right? I remember their story was touching and heartwarming.
It sounds to me like the daughter is ok with the relationship. I am sure that the ex is the one controlling who will attend the wedding and not the bride and groom. The father needs to
attend. If not, he will regret it for the rest of his life. It may even cause problems with the relationship with the daughter. It is not a big deal if the nephew attends or not but a father needs to be there for his daughter. By the way, it is not stated as to whether the uncle/nephew are blood relatives or just the ex of the aunt. I would assume that the same rules apply as when hetero couples marry that nothing closer than first cousins.
@ Laurent - Right you are. Male relatives always seem to question not only the advisability but the legalities of entering a relationship. I think I advised him to "go for it."
@ Anon, November 11, 2022 at 8:48 AM - I think you're correct that the mother is the one controlling the invitations, and it sounds like the daughter is only trying to have a nice wedding without disruption.
As to the blood relation of the uncle and nephew, in a M-M relationship it wouldn't matter. With hetero couples it is the issue of offspring having developmental problems that discourages relationships by anyone closer than second cousins. Or, as we used to say, "cousins twice removed."
People are missing the point. It is the DAUGHTER'S Day. PERIOD. Whatever SHE wants Trumps all. HER Wedding, HER way.
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