Good morning
"A buddy of mine invites me over to hang out and skinny dip in his pool in summer. We've played around a little bit jacking off, his wife knows and doesn't care. this past weekend he had the house to himself and invited me over to hang out. We were having such a great time that I called my girlfriend and told her I was too drunk to drive and was spending the night in my buddy's guestroom but really spent the night in bed with him. What a fantastick weekend. The issue is that his wife and my girlfriend are getting to be bffs and my buddy and I are worried his wife is going to spill the beans. I really don't know how she'd take it but part of me wants to tell her before she finds out some other way. What would you do?"
Me? I'd sit her down and spill the beans myself. You know...like, "one thing led to another." She might understand the drinking led to "other things."
But, I have a feeling what will make her angry is that you lied about being too drunk to drive home - instead of just saying you both wanted you to spend the night.
16 comments:
Drinking usually makes one less inhibited. It would be best if she found it out from you.
Tell the girlfriend and then suggest she talk with the other guy's wife if she's upset.
Disclose. Now.
If anything comes up 'after', the girlfriend will justly think he's cheating. Cause he is.
XOXO
As uncomfortable as the conversation's gonna be, it's always better to tell your partner yourself. You really don't want her to hear this from someone else.
It comes down to whether the guy wants a gf/partner willing to accept all of him, or whether he’d compromise/change himself for a gf/partner. Nothing wrong with the latter, BTW; people can affect us in various ways, and perhaps he’d no longer want to fool around with his mate if this (or another) gf was “the one”.
But it seems like this is an ongoing scenario, so I think it’s worth telling the gf (and not just because the mate’s wife might ‘spill’). And doesn’t haven’t to be labelled ‘bi’, ‘gay’ etc. Share it for what it is … ‘my mate and I like to play a little sometimes’. Share what that play involves (handjob only? oral? kissing?) and what it doesn’t involve (penetration? other mates/men?). Once you start the conversation, she will ask these kinds of questions, anyway, so be prepared to answer.
I’d want to be open and honest because I’d want a gf/partner who’d want to be part of that and not make me choose her or the other. But I know it can be hard – fear of rejection and not wanting to hurt others are big drivers in our sexual psyche.
When I told my wife, at first she was threatened, and felt she couldn’t ‘compete’; until she realised it wasn’t a competition and was willing to accept that my romantic feelings remained only with her and I was still committed to a successful marriage. It also led to her asking me a lot of questions, some of which I hadn’t (at that stage) worked out – and I told her that, too. It became/becomes a time of growth for everyone involved.
If the gf accepts what he shares, that’s great. If she doesn’t, he needs to ask himself what is the right path for him going forward; who he wants in his life and how he chooses – in balancing all parties needs and desires – to act/interact with them each/all going forward.
oooh.... what a tangled web we weave...
Is our correspondent living with his GF? Sort of sounds like it. I think a full confession is in order-- but these things must be done delicately, or you hurt the spell..
Your buddy's wife doesn't care-- which is good-- appears she doesn't mind you and your buddy having fun-- at least he's not out picking up other women!
You're right-- his wife and your girl will (or are already) comparing notes.
I think our host is right-- you need to tell your GF that you weren't really too drunk-- you just wanted to spend the night with your buddy.
Your description says that both of you were having a good time-- it wasn't one of those "I was so drunk I don't remember what we did!" And you shouldn't try to state it like that! Confess that you both had a good time! You planning on doing it again??
Hopefully, if your GF is upset, his wife might be able to intercede for you!
The actual wording is up to you. Blurt everything out and hope for the best???
Tip-toe around it??
I don't know. You know your girl-- Is she your regular bed partner? You ever talk about other partners? Or same-sex activities?
Boy! Talk about awkward situations!
--PaulMmn
This is a lose lose situation. Every instinct is to be honest, but I suspect the wife and girlfriend are going to be furious.
But it does bring up a good question, supposed this guy had a woman who was a very good friend, do you think his wife would buy the “we got to drinking and one thing led to another excuse?” Hugs and bisous.
Quit drinking and when you are sober you won't be telling things you shouldn't.
It's way past time that society bit the bullet about monogamy and had the discussion about what it meant and how important it was to each party before developing a sexual relationship, including the possibility of future same sex interaction as well as opposite sex and anticipating a potential change of circumstance over time.
Sex is just too important a drive in mens lives to imagine they won't eventually discover the delights of same sex activity, that might be easier to obtain than being held hostage to the wants and perspectives of women, whose fundamental drive is procreation. For many men, sex is sex, not love, even if they may enjoy intimacy too and its more about getting their particular needs met than wanting to hurt a partner. It is somewhat revealing though that the OP even wanted sex with another man, given the remaining level of homophobia in society, if his needs were already being met by his partner, which suggests they weren't. I would say many men are in this situation and it is something society needs to address before it addresses itself.
Fundamentally, what we do with our own bodies is our own business, unless pre-arranged exclusivity is agreed, however upsetting emotions can be engaged even if nothing practical has changed within a relationship.
There are 2 issues here: firstly that the two men played around but only one partner was aware and okay with it and secondly the OP actively lied about an even greater subsequent dalliance. It was a mistake not to tackle the issue with the other partner before engaging in anything potentially contentious, with the usual assumptions of monogamy.
I would not be surprised if the partner feels very hurt that she was omitted from any prior discussion whereas the other was included, quite apart from the actual dalliances plus the lying about it all.
It may already be too late for the OP, if the 2 women are already close: women do share intimacy much more readily than men, although not necessarily sexual. I think the OP should prepare for a huge blowback, but it will need to be addressed sooner rather than later.
Maybe the OP could address it obliquely by mentioning that they never discussed the boundaries of monogamy previously and unexpectedly one thing led to another with another man in sharing physical intimacy, encouraged through drinking, that he was not prepared to handle.
I wouldn't suggest saying you are sorry that it happened if you are not, or that it will never happen again if you want it to happen again, however you presumably would be sorry that you hurt a partner in the process by not including her perspective and giving her an opportunity to choose for herself.
The one hope is that the other partner can convince the OP's partner that it is not a big deal and to come round to her way of thinking about it.
Prepare for the worst, hope for the best and good luck.
he should spill the beans and tell her the truth. At least in this way, he will understand (better) his girlfriend's attitude and thoughts towards sex.
Playing hide and seek with the truth is not the best way to hide what does not need to be hidden but rather to be explained and understood. Good luck!
Hugs and bisous, my darlings Jean and Pat.
Have a great day.
The first thing this guy needs to do is decide what type of relationship he wants with his girlfriend. And then what type he wants with his buddy. Is the girlfriend wife material? Is she just a girlfriend? And what does the buddy want. Is this going to be a regular thing. Or just once in a blue moon. And is that acceptable to the writer? He needs to figure out what he wants and then start talking with the others. Probably the friend first. Then the girlfriend.
@ Rick - I think that's a very good idea. The girls are BFFs, the wife has probably already told the girlfriend that their men share a bit of "fun" once in a while. In which case, the OP's buddy needs to tell him....
I didn't read all the comments, but I have a thought. It doesn't appear that his buddy's wife know how far they took it? I'm assuming they did more than jerk off. I would test the waters with comments about how they "got drunk" and jerked off together and they liked it. Let that sit to see how she handles it before going too far. If she can't handle that then it really won't matter what else she can or can't handle. As a previously hetero married man, I understand how awesome it sounds that you could have your cake and eat it too but not many turn out that way. I was gay. Some are bisexual. I think if I were bisexual, I would want to be honest with my spouse and see how it plays out.
@ rphillips4165 - women have largely been liberated from the confining prison of their biology, allowing them to have sex with whomever they choose without the consequences of a child deciding their future for them, however men have not yet been liberated from the consequences of their sexual activity as it has been determined by women and society for as long as we have had society and men have been held hostage by women's feelings for almost as long.
Finally men are waking up to the fact that they can have sex with men and it can be as pleasurable as with women, in its own way, perhaps even more so, and this will challenge women's stranglehold in calling the shots.
Unless the OP's partner is very open minded, it's likely he will be issued an ultimatum to choose between them. It's very sad that we have degenerated into exclusivity and polarised either/or thinking, when it should be possible to accommodate what everyone wants. Procreation is only a fraction of the outcome or focus of sexual activity, but it is important and so it needs to be protected, however sex doesn't have to be tied to procreation except as it is necessary and its quite ridiculous to expect sex outside procreation to match forever between the procreators. In my opinion, we need to free up sex but ensure procreation is managed for the good of the child and both parents. Sadly society is not anywhere near being ready to have that discussion and change, so its going to be regular monogamy forcing a choice in most cases.
I don't think the OP will be able to figure out what he wants, because he will be subjected to external influence and coercion, plus he has just started on a journey to discovering the new horizon of sex with men, which is potentially more available and with less strings than with women, because it is largely sex between similar individuals, no other agenda involved.
It's going to be quite difficult accommodating what everyone wants, because we just don't have the societal structure, yet, to achieve a win-win outcome: it's usually been win-lose or lose-lose.
@ sixpence - it's only cheating if monogamy and its boundaries (ie the rules of the relationship) have been agreed. Sadly I don't think most people entering into relationships bother to discuss and set explicit boundaries or rules, it's assumed according to some unwritten convention that may be different in the minds of each of the players. Which is why it causes so much mayhem, because expectations and senses of entitlement differ and have never been reasonably addressed.
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