Friday, February 8, 2019

One to Ponder

Here's one to ponder.

"I'm a married guy in my 30's, my wife is in end-stage ovarian cancer. With an incapacitated wife (with her blessing) I was desperate to find an outlet other than my own hand so I signed up on one of those hook-up apps. The intention was strictly for a sexual outlet. A guy hit me up, volunteering to "service me" with no strings attached. Perfect solution, right? Well, I found myself not just enjoying it but reciprocating. And we're finding a real connection. He's funny, smart, and understands my wife's care takes precedence. Everything was good until my wife discovered I was seeing a man. She got really pissed and told me to leave. I was devastated. 3 weeks later, she needed me to come back. Without question, I returned to resume caring for her. But seeing this guy on the DLmakes me feel guilty after each hookup. How do I reconcile this?"

First, I'm very sorry to hear about your wife. Knowing you will lose a spouse like this is tough enough, but adding guilt on top of it...well, I can't imagine.
Your wife gave you permission, and then retracted it simply because you're getting your rocks off with a man; she throws you out, then realizes she needs you to help care for her and asks you to return. In other words, her problem is that it's a man, not a woman. You don't say whether she made any demands about giving up the sexual surrogate upon returning to her medical care until she passes.

You're still young, you still have sexual urges, and there's nothing inherently wrong about that. Your cock isn't going to shut down because your wife is ill. 
The issue is how do you handle it? Go back to jacking off? Or continue to feel guilty that you're satisfying those urges with a man behind her back?

I think it's time for a serious discussion with your wife - if she's able. And, maybe it's time you had a serious discussion with this dude, too. Maybe the three of you need to have a serious discussion together.



SickoRicko said...

What a tough situation! If it were me in that position, I'd put the outside sex on the back burner for a while.

that one guy said...

First of all: how terrible. I'm so sorry, and I hope you're bearing up reasonably well under the circumstances.

Sometimes you just have to do what you have to do to stay sane. Acknowledge your guilty feelings, but also examine them. You may have to weigh the misery of continuing to do something she disapproves of, against the different kind of misery of NOT continuing. Can you provide better care for her if you're not frustrated and, on some level, possibly resentful? Or can you provide better care if you're not plagued by feelings of guilt? (Keep in mind that the answer is subjective, meaning whatever is true for you, is true for you. It may sound like I'm trying to lead you toward an answer of "you're not harming your wife, so you can do what you want" --- really, I'm not.)

Meanwhile, it sounds as if, while you were gone, your wife may have had a serious conversation with herself. It would be easy for an outsider to assume that her decision to ask you to come back was purely selfish, but she might have asked herself: since I gave him permission to go looking for release elsewhere, how important is the sex of the person, really? She may have examined her knee-jerk reaction and found it not worthy of the situation.

Also meanwhile, what about the guy? Part of this is up to him. If you decide you can't continue having sex with him under the present circumstances, is this connection you have with him likely to be strong enough to survive? Will he be OK with just meeting for coffee now & then and "only" providing emotional support for the time being?

In the meantime, a kind of DADT situation may be the best way to go. Your wife can bring the subject up if she wants to, and if she does, you can decide whether to tell her a white lie.

Them's my $.02, anyway. Best wishes with this difficult situation in this very difficult time.

JiEL said...

I think that his wife is over reacting and not in the same way as many women would.
She should have been more acceptance for you to have sex with another man than a woman. But, women are so unpredictable.

I was married for 22years always knowing that I was attracted to men. What had to happen, happened. We divorced in 1999 in a most bad way.
She was more pissed of because I was cheating on her with men from 7 years before our separation than if I would have done it with women.

The point is that she couldn't be challenged by that case.
She would be more in competition to regain me IF I was cheating with women.
With men, she was out of the game and that did pissed her very, very much.

So, never know how a «female» brain can be working with jealousy and sexual competition.

For this case, yes, talking to her and making the point that this nice man isn't fearful and non competitive to her love.
It's just a question of sex relief and not real love.

OR is it ??
He found a new way to love?

mistress maddie said...

I say continue to see the man on the DL. Not to be cruel, or mean spirited, but the reader must start to make changes moving ahead. Since the wife is in the end stages, she won't be around for him in the long run, in this upsetting situation. Since he will be left behind, he must be happy. And perhaps this will be a new exciting chapter for him. Go get your rocks off I say. And enjoy your time also left with your wife. She need not know, but she also has no right limiting the reader's happiness since she will be leaving him behind. I myself might be bugged by it, but would also feel happy he found someone to connect with.

Have a great weekend all!

Anonymous said...

Could be regrets, I mean at an unconscious level.

Gabriel said...

That is a very tough situation. My heart goes out to his wife with this health battle. I am actually surprised that she is more upset that it is with a guy rather than a woman. I guess I would think a woman would seem more like a replacement to her.

Personally, I think if I was the husband, I would try to honor my wife and keep her as happy as possible with the time she has left. She obviously needs him and they did make a commitment to each other for better, for worse, in sickness and in health. He is young and will have more time to explore his sexuality. I think he might regret being selfish after she passes, but would not regret being committed to her and helping her through this by respecting her wishes.

Bill Davis said...

Very interesting read . . . I have kind of been there in my own life. I have to say I find your pics not helpful and unrelated! This is everyday and very serious. Not just a jack-off as you have depicted with your pics. This man is hurting.

Adam said...

Under different circumstances, I might suggest to give the wife time to come around. But time isn't on their side. I don't like the potential of greater conflict that comes with a 3-person meeting. My guidance would be to continue the relationship that's growing between the two men, but do everything possible to keep this from the wife. Yes, honest and direct communication is best, but given her situation and the pain and grief they must deal with, the honesty may be too much for her to bear. Why add to her grief? It's a hopeful sign that she's asked her husband to return. If she's not probing him with specific questions, maybe the best option is stay on the downlow in a don't ask, don't tell situation.

Sixpence Notthewiser said...

Tricky one!
The wife may feel the emotional connection is taking affection away from her. She may have not mind the sex but the emotional attachment gets to her. Maybe you’re right and a conversation is needed.

T said...

This isnt a matter of who is at fault and who isnt. Everyone involved would probably be more naive than anything else.

The wife being pissed over the husband actually going out and sleeping with someone else even though she said 'yes go do it'; she was probably holding onto the hope that the husband remains faithful to her until she dies! Obviously that didnt happen and to add further to it he went at it with a guy.

The husband; you got a lot to learn about life. Start with learning about yourself first. There was much more to this than just getting your dick serviced.

In general if your partner is giving you permission to cheat you know its not going to end well for you.

Fullmoonma said...

I'll tell you what I did 25 years ago... I needed to keep my erotic energy up during the last 6 months of my partner's life when we weren't very interested in sex. I learned how to masturbate for a long time before ejaculating at a Body Electric workshop and every night after he fell asleep I would masturbate next to him in bed until I was charged and satisfied. Gradually the virus stole his functioning, and for the last couple of months we were out of communication, but I still held him in my arms every night.

After he died I knew that I had done everything in my power to ease his transition. I suggest that you concentrate on your wife in the time you have left and leave the new erotic connection to the future, when you will need even more support.

Now there are web sites now that teach mindful masturbation - the best I know is

Your French Patrick said...

I think your conclusion is the best answer. Unless he has a strong enough preference to choose one or the other by himself. But in this case he probably would not have written to you, but at the same time we cannot choose for him. If I were in his shoes, I would not have asked for a referendum and I would not have written to anyone to advise me. I would prefer to roll some dice or flip a coin to decide!
Hugs and bisous, my darlings Jean and Pat. Have a great weekend.

Xersex said...

so painful situation!
is it really necessary to tell her that it is a man rather than a woman?

Anonymous said...

I've never left a comment before, but this hit too close to home to remain silent.

I can only speak for myself. Cancer took my young wife several months ago after many years of a great marriage.

Near the end, after the sex totally stopped, I had urges too but never acted on them beyond solo....except to buy a fleshlight, which my wife knew about and understood why. She felt tremendously guilty for not being able to be a 100% wife to me. That broke my heart then and now. We had several emotional sessions about this as you could imagine.

Now I'm all alone......recovering, or at least doing the best I can to get through the loss. I'm sure I'll move on in time.

To help the reader who asked the question: be very careful about the overwhelming guilt you may be burdened with after she is gone. It may not seem that way now, but it may be more than you can deal with in the months and years ahead. Memories can be both joyful and devastating.

Anonymous said...

I agree with Grabriel. Your first obligation is to your wife. If you make her the priority than when she is gone you will have no regrets.

Anonymous said...

Sorry for your wife situation... It’s quite hard dealing with cancer in first or second person.
The case is we’re sexual beings... You can sublimate your sexual needs for a while trying to find something in compensation (sport, meditation... ), but sooner or later that need is going to explode, ‘cause it’s a biological need.

I suppose your wife is angry ‘cause, although she accepted, she take for granted you were going to satisfy your needs with another woman instead of with a man... But, what’s the problem?
Being sexual creatures we can have sexual encounters with somebodyelse and it doesn’t mean you’re gay or bisexual, ‘cause you’re not in love with that man. That’s the difference.
Having sex with another guy doesn’t change your sexual orientation.
Somebody is gay when he feels in love with another man, and that’s all.
The rest is fun and enjoyment.

You shouldn’t feel guilty because of that.

Talk to your wife seriously, explain to her she’s focusing wrong and everything should be mended.

Good luck!