At what age or stage of life should parents expect and accept their children are sexually active?
"Our son is in his mid 20s now still living at home. He had a friend come over and the friend stayed the night. They were supposed to sleep in separate bedrooms. As much as I'm sure they tried to be quiet we heard the moaning. My wife thinks its terrible and that if he is going to be having sex he has move out. Its no big deal for me and we're arguing about this. Why would she think a young healthy kid shouldn't have sex?"
Let's break it down. Your son is in his mid-20s. He's an adult. But he lives in your house. Your house, your rules. That's how I was raised. But. He's a man. I suspect your wife is finding it difficult to accept that her baby is all grown up with a grown-up appetite and libido.
It's either that, or it's some religious objection, though you don't mention that as part of the equation.
Did she complain when he was a horny teenager and jacking off two or three times a day? If it bothered her, I sure hope she kept it to herself. Or was she oblivious to that activity?
My personal opinion is that your son is old enough to be responsible for his actions. On the flip side, your wife needs to come to terms with the biology of life. You don't say whether his friend is male or female, but it really shouldn't matter. Except. Except if your wife wants grandchildren. That's not going to happen if he's restricted to jerking off.
You also need a sit-down with your wife, if you haven't already done so. She obviously does not fully understand the sex drive of men. She also needs to understand it's not fair to your son to be restricted to taking care of business with his hand. Because, one way or another, he's going to get his rocks off.
And if I know anything about human sexuality, it's that 99% of us would prefer to be with another person.
What advice do you have for this dad, readers?
19 comments:
Golly, I think you covered it all very well.
I think you covered it nicely... and so did many of your models.
its got nothing to do with masturbation..its your parents home, if you need to fuck do it elsewhere...whats difficult about it. Its just being respectfull to their feelings since you are living in their house..not yours, theirs
I'll address MY thoughts on the wife part, since I've been married for 37 years. Women "don't get" male sexuality, and if my wife is any indication of the rest of her sex, they don't want to get it. It seems to make women feel more comfortable if they think of men as sexually active ONLY when an appropriate woman is around. If an approved woman isn't around, then they don't want to know what you (as a guy) do....you should take a cold shower and forget about it.
And I might add, there are certain T.V. channels that cater to this dream man fantasy, which isn't helping when it comes to dealing with real life problems. Time to grow up and face the real world.
If there is a religious component to the sex in question here, then I'm sorry, but your problem just tripled.
I agree with your opinion, especially about the fact that he is old enough to be responsible for his actions. The only one exception is if it's him who asks for an advice.
Hugs and bisous, my darlings Jean and Pat.
One of your 'oh, by the way' questions about if the friend was male or female was one of the first things I thought about... Was mom mostly upset about the gender of his friend??
I think your coverage of the issue was the right way to go about it-- Dad should mention to son that mom was upset. Mom needs to remember that once upon a time she had her feet on the headboard telling dad "Give me your babies!" Which dad evidently did, seeing as how they have a son!
Not sure if dad slipping jr. a few bucks for a motel room is the right way to handle things or not...
--PaulMmn
There would be so much to say about this one.
You pointed out the first factor: he is in his mid-20's, therefore an adult and no longer a kid you get to be judgmental about.
Secondly, should you agree with your son inviting a friend at your place (man or woman) to sleep over, then you may consider accepting whatever goes along.
Thirdly: if you are not OK with the two above then you are the one in dear need of help. I mean not from your usual preacher, preferably from a psychologist.
I know a bit about abusing bigot mothers. If she is into church blah-blah then a slap of words well chosen, like Ephesians 5:22, may help:
https://www.biblegateway.com/passage/?search=Ephesians%205%3A22-23&version=NIV
(for the record: I am an atheist)
(Addendum to the father: no one would blame you for having an extra-marital relationship. Or just man up and congrats your son.)
I see no problem. I was having sex in my parents home when I was only 16, and they didn't care. They rather they knew where I was, and doing it clean and safe.
The only advice is that made the son try to keep the moaning down. Then what that mother doesn't hear, won't hurt.
“Your house, your rules” sums it up in my opinion. If he’s old enough to be having sex under your roof, maybe he’s old enough to not be under your roof anymore. I just know that I would have been on the street if I had tried that under my parents roof.
One of your 'Oh, by the way' questions was one of my first: Is the friend male or female? Because they were supposed to be in separate rooms, I suspect female.
Dad needs to tell Jr. that mom is upset, and that dad is not.
Mom needs to remember that once upon a time (or a few times) her feet were on the headboard and she was shouting "Ride me big boy, give me your babies!" That's how Jr. came along in the first place!
PaulMmn
I agree with you. The son is an adult, but he lives in his parent's house. It's their rules.
Bet he didn't know his mom was going to react like that, though. Otherwise he would have kept it in the down low.
He could have sex when the parents are not home, even though that sounds very... adolescent?
He could also go live alone. Or set up a tiny house in their backyard and moan and groan all he wants.
XOXO
I couldn't have said it better. Also Covid has really put a moratorium on everything, so that gets thrown into the equation too. This pandemic has made life complicated. Parents need to give adult children still living at home some space. Hugs and bisous.
From 18 the law recognizes said child as an adult so no reason why that shouldnt be applied to the home.
The wife; failure to accept that their child is no longer a child. It is a fully grown adult. Start treating it as one. A child does not have a fully erect penis and blowing someones back out on a Friday night.
Both parents; set house rules. Be respectful of others if there is more than one other person in the house.
There are issues on all fronts and open communication is what is needed.
you gave so right advices!
@ Cali-Boi - See, I think that's the real best route. They know where he is, they know he's safe.
@ Jean - Right on! The Covid thing has put people into circumstances they wouldn't otherwise have to deal with. This may be one of those situations, though the man didn't say it.
It may be "your house your rules" but who's setting the rules? It surely shouldn't just be Mom dictating what she isn't comfortable with. Ever hear of earplugs?
Why dictate sleeping in separate rooms in the first place and not provide a choice? This is an adult responsible for his own decisions and with a right to live his own life. If you constrain that life and force him to live elsewhere, you may regret that decision later when he no longer feels comfortable involving you.
It's a compliment that he feels comfortable enough to express himself in your house and not feel ashamed about a natural part of life. Would you prefer he feel ashamed and guilty?
How is your own sex life? Mom could be expressing envy. ;-)
There's an interesting movie called "What Lies Beneath" with Harrison Ford. Ford and his wife are in bed when they hear the neighbours having sex. Ford says "do you think we can take them?" and makes it a competition.
@ Anon 12:02pm - so great to hear about real life experiences, but try telling women that men are driven to sex by their biology in the mainstream and they completely reject it as though men are women with penises from their perspective and should behave like it. They don't have a million gallons of testosterone flowing around their bodies.
I read that when women lose the tiny amount of testosterone in their bodies, they lose their libido, so imagine what men's libidos must be like with their levels of testosterone.
Mom needs to get over the fact that a grown man is going to have sex. As the economy deteriorates due to neoliberalism, we will return to prewar extended family homes anyway, but in those days, well, order was maintained by a system of double standards that basically assumed boys were men at puberty if not earlier, while infantilizing girls. Not saying this is a good thing, but you'd be surprised how recently it's been a conservative thing to teach boys to abstain. Before that, males were given more or less unilateral sexual freedom, just don't talk about it around the wimminfolk.
(Frankly, we can trace this New attitude to the 1980s.)
Note: None of this is ideal, just what really existed.
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