On the same day last week that Sixpence posted about "ex sex" on his blog (LO) Imprescindible, I got an email about the same subject.
"My ex and I have hooked up more than a few times for booty calls since the divorce. It was pretty amicable until she popped over unannounced. I pulled on my jeans and answered the door but didn't want to let her in. Much to my dismay she caught a glimpse of the dude stretched out on my bed. I don't want to ruin the friendship and ignored the fact she didn't call and I apologized. She's still upset. And before anyone asks, no, I never did anyone - much less dudes - while we were together. Do I really owe her any explanations?"
It's a common story. Ex's --- when it's an amicable split --- make for the most convenient sex partners. So, you aren't alone there. No having to troll the bars or get on dating apps. Just ask the ex for a booty call.
Issues creep in when one of them has found a hook-up, whether it's headed for a relationship or strictly a FWB situation. This appears to be your current problem.
Compounded by the fact that your hook-up is a guy.
Do you owe her an explanation? Not anymore than she would owe you one if she found a hook-up. Wait for her to cool off, then gently suggest that, next time, she call first.
Readers, what do you think?
14 comments:
a brief explanation, only if she asks for it.
She gets zip from me. NO ONE pops over unannounced... especially these days.
Hell no!!!! Once divorced and official, what goes on heading forward is none of her business. And if she wants to remain friends and on friendly terms, she needs to mind and respect that, and call before coming over. That is just common courtesy whoever it is.
A brief explanation if it’s needed to maintain her friendship but you really don’t owe her any explanation
i would not go out of my way to explain anything.
Booty calls are booty calls. And NSA is precisely that. Otherwise, it'd be a relationship.
XOXO
No explanations owed.
In fact, IMHO be friends with your ex if you want, but not FWB. While it can be convenient or fun because you both "know" each other, it can also ruin the friendship. Look at this incident. She just shows up expecting the booty call like you're expected to just be available 24/7. Why apologize for her presumptuous behavior? And why is she upset? You're exes, not dating, right? So who's in your bed is no one's business except yours and the person in your bed.
You don't owe the bitch shit. Its that simple!
She should call first. If she asks, tell her the truth. If she doesn't like the answer, she shouldn't have asked the question.
Perfect advice. One thing to consider, maybe she was secretly hoping you would get back together, and the new "competition" threw her a curve. No telling what is going on in her head, so this advice is perfect. Hugs and bisous.
I think your suggestion is spot on. A phone call eliminates any awkwardness.
Yes, she should have called. He needs to explain but doesn't need to go into great detail.
I was married to my x wife for almost 17 years before I came out as gay. I think he does owe her an explanation but not because of the hook up. She now wonders was their marriage real and all sort of other things. This is worthy of a conversation about who he is and what this was. Was it one time, is he bi, is he curious? To her it feels very different than if he were with a man. I would tell her that he will talk to her when she is ready but don't push it. Just answer her questions as honestly as he can. It really is difficult for someone in a mixed orientation marriage to come to terms with a partner who is now in a same sex relationship or even a hook up. She just probably has all kinds of thoughts going on that she cannot reconcile without his input. I'd have the talk and just be open. Hugs.
@ Jean - I suspected that's what was in her head because, otherwise, why would she want to venture into the ex sex in the first place? Hugs and bisous.
Only ever done that once and didnt like it afterwards. Once was enough for me. Once they are the ex they are off limits. If you keep them coming around it only leads to trouble.
As for walking in on the ex with the same sex thats a whole different thing especially for a girl. They start over analysing everything about the past relationship and start looking for clues. If girls come across here there are times when a guy just wants a bit of dick.
Come over unannounced and that door your standing in front of wont get opened. Go home.
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