This arrived via email earlier in the week. I saved it for today to give everyone a chance to offer up suggestions for this guy.
"We've been married for almost three years. Sex dwindled but that's typical isn't it? We both surf porn and never felt like we needed to hide that but I was curious as to what she looked at and found your blog in her history and also a huge stash of pics of guys jerking off. I read through a lot of your posts and you quoted sex therapists suggesting couples masturbate for one another. Well, I did it. She cam ehome from work one day and followed the trail of clothing I left on the floor. I was in the shower, stroking my dick. I gave her a real show all night. I stayed naked and kept various levels of hardness while I made dinner, while we ate, while we watched tv. I never let my dick get fully soft. At bedtime I laid down and really got into it. I played with my dick and my balls for a long time. When I finally came it blasted everywhere. I admit it was fun. Problem is ever since she won't anything but to watch me jerk off while she does herself. I miss the actual fucking or the occassional blow job and titty fuck. I've asked, pleaded really. Divorce is not an option and I just can't bring myself to an open marriage just so I can get laid. How do I get her back into those things?"
It's no secret that a lot of women like watching guys masturbate.
It's no secret that women masturbate, which is a good thing. I wonder if she's really a solo-sexual; someone who prefers masturbation over any other activity. But, you're a couple, and if you find the constant jacking off tedious and boring after a while, well... If you've talked to her and she won't budge on a compromise, other than trying mutual masturbation, I'm at a loss.
Readers, can you help a guy out?
8 comments:
Oh gosh, I really have no ideas to offer. Especially since he's asked - pleaded - and she refused.
I would suggest a good, open and honest conversation. Whilst she may well be solo-sexual, he needs to straight up ask if there’s another reason she doesn’t want penetration, and to check she’s okay. It may be be that penetration is painful for her and so she’s avoiding it. It may be something else. It could be mental health or physical health, it could be anything.
So yeah, check out if she’s ok and if there’s anything else behind this. And if not then you have a platform from which to openly negotiate the sexual relationship to something that suits both of you. Negotiate being the key word. And let her know you want to work through it with her so that you’re both happy emotionally and sexually.
Let us know how you get on.
he could try to lick his pussy ...
Here's my 2¢ worth: Marriage is a shared 2 way street, not a one way road. You need to talk to your partner and be honest, and hope they are honest too. How ever you two define sex in the relationship it should be mutual. However one should not be left "pleading" for sex. Neither should one just settle. If she is really only into solo sex and you abandon your desires for the sake of the marriage, you won't be happy and you'll most likely end up resenting her. I was in a similar situation with my partner. In the beginning all was well, but it turned out our sexual tastes differed. Lol, nothing wild, just he wasn't as physical as me and he didn't see it as an issue. He in time pulled away to where sex really wasn't on the table any more, and eventually we just lost all intimacy. I tried to be accommodating to his needs - or lack thereof - and just ignored mine. I came from a divorced family and so never wanted that for me. 15 years later came the epiphany that we were just friends. I had to ask if this was how I wanted to live. Or rather not 'live'. There was an underlying current of resentment. We cared about each other, but not enough to let go to be really happy. We had settled. So I took the step and we parted ways. Since then we both have had short term relationships that were more fulfilling than the whole time we were together. And we are still friends. Life is good, but I do wonder sometimes what both might have had if we had been more open and honest earlier on and maybe not be afraid to be truly happy, even if the other didn't see it at the time.
Advice: Talk with her open, honest, and candid. See a counselor if need be. Bottom line is if you both can't be on the same page, then maybe you need a different book.
Is she afraid of getting pregnant? Sounds like they need a good couples therapist. Watching too much porn can keep couples from learning to be more intimate.
People's needs change over time. You wont be going at it like a bunch of 16year olds forever. From what the husband says the wife has moved on from that mentality and is probably finding other ways of finding a sexual attraction to her husband. Its not always going to come from sex alone. Maybe the wife is throwing hints at him to what she is doing to herself; pay attention to her.
Dont look at jerking off as being a 'less than' thing either. Thats a whole lot of cross-generation brainwashing to overcome. Vagina is not a validation tool for your penis. There is a whole person attached to it.
Maybe you could try masturbating with a guy you both know and trust. I would definitely try talking to her. Why not masturbate yourself with a video camera filming you ?
Good luck, really
First, we only have the husband's viewpoint. That being said...the first thing they need to do is talk to each other. See a therapist if need be. Over the years there will be times when their sexdrives won't mesh. If they are truly in love they will find their way back together. Approaching this blog for advice is a start. If the wife follows this blog and sees this post it may start the communication they need.
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