Tomorrow is the 15th. You know what that means:
BUDDY BALL CHECK
And because October is Breast Cancer Awareness, make sure you check your pecs along with your balls.
"My wife died 11 years ago leaving me with 2 small children - a girl and a boy. She was smart, no nonsense, and funny. I swore I would never try to replace their mom. She really was the love of my life. Now my kids are both in college and 3 years ago somehow I got hooked up with this guy. He's about 10 years younger, smart and funny. The sex is better than I expected neither one of us is into anal. We aren't in the closet about this. The kids like him, so does the rest of the extended family. He lives on a huge trust fund so he doesn't work. He's given both kids "scholarships" they all think I don't know about. He wants to get married, quit my job and sell my house and move in to his penthouse condo. Doing that seems like breaking my promise. Thinking about it makes me feel guilty and I don't know what to do."
First, my sincere condolences on the loss of your wife. It could not have been an easy road, especially at a such a young age.
But, wait. You're in a long-term, monogamous relationship with this man who is smart and funny, with whom you're sexually compatible, your kids like him, your extended family likes him, and he wants you to make it permanent, and you feel it would be breaking a promise?
If the kids are in college, it would seem to me you've kept that promise. They're self-sufficient, functioning adults - or will be upon graduation. Have you talked to them? What do they say?
Not to seem harsh, but you need to figure out who you really promised: Your kids, your deceased wife, or yourself. You also need to ask yourself if it's the money --- that you don't want to feel like a "kept man." Because, if that's the case, perhaps it would be more palatable for you to continue working.
I don't know. Maybe my readers can offer more insight.
Readers???
12 comments:
Finding someone who is compatible is wonderful. You have been twice blessed. Am dating someone 14 years younger. He is still working and I am retired. I do not make enough to support him and because of him having to work it curtails being able to travel as we would like. It seems like you are in a win, win situation. If I would die first, would not expect him to stop living. I hope our love would be the example to go out and find someone to continue to go on creating a good life to share. This would be a testament to the love you shared with your wife. Enjoy your new journey.
I have learned living in the past doesn't change a thing. You have to move forward and if it's already been 3 years I say go for it, or the guy may just move on to somebody who doesn't want to set up house. It sounds like the relationship flyers on all cylinders which is rare So I say go for it. We have to live in the present.
How sad that he lost his beloved wife and how wonderful that he has found someone special. I somehow expect that if his wife was all that he says she was, first and foremost she would want him to be happy, and not wallowing is misery. Do the deal, marry him, move out of the house AND offer it to the kids as their home while they get a start on their new careers, You can charge nominal rent and also give the kids the chance to thrive. Maybe later, by mutual agreement, our writer and his kids will decide to sell and he can slit the money between the 3 of them, assuming Prince Charming is OK with this.
This is complicated, as much as you want to get input from the kids/family, ultimately they will be gone one day with their own lives, and this fellow needs to consider what he wants. Where does he want to be in 5 years, 10 years.
Most families are happy with a partner, if the person is happy, love conquers all.
Hugs and bisous. Happy weekend.
Use a different set of eyes. Is there something the person not ready to see in themselves or unable to see?
The persons life has changed and in a way that was not there before. Looking for a comparison to replace what was lost will never be found. Take value in what was in the past and what is right in front of your face.
Not so much a broken promise but more unknown identity.
You’re not replacing their mother. I agree though, talk with the kids and if makes you feel better, get their blessing.
My condolences on the loss of your wife. No one and nothing is going to replace her. Finding love again is a blessing. My guess is your wife would be thrilled you have someone again to share your life with and you can celebrate that while also honoring you wife, your love of her, and her memory. While you may want to go step by step, maybe move in and see how that goes before selling your house, and then decide about getting married, and then then deciding about whether to continue working (or in whatever order works for you), I don't think any of this disrespects you wife or your love of her. And I agree, if it helps, speak with your children about this. Good luck.
No matter what the OP does, he will never replace his childrens Mother (even if it was another woman): she was a unique circumstance in their lives who will forever occupy that place. Any oath or promise taken is explicitly fulfilled regardless of what the OP does from this point on. There is nothing to feel guilty about.
I think what oaths of that nature mean is that you won't try to replace a childs Mother, because it is not only a futile gesture but a cruel one. The best you can achieve for a child is to somehow provide the motherly guidance and care that child would have received, you can't actually replace their Mother and neither should you try as that space is forever filled.
What the OP now does with their life is up to them: I doubt his wife would have wanted him to be unhappy if she was no longer in his life. Like replacing a Mother, it's not possible to replace a wife: that experience is also unique, tied as it is to a specific person and set of experiences. The OP might marry again or have another relationship, but it will never replace that time with his first wife, only create a whole new experience.
We can't change the past: it's immutable and will remain what it was forever, so there should be no concerns over "replacement". It's not like overwriting a file with a new version, erasing what was before.
It's great that the OP has found love again and irrelevant that it is another man (except for extreme traditionalists in society who get no say in the OP's life).
I would only caution about the need to get married, quit a job, sell the house and become dependent on another person, when it could potentially come apart in future. What does the OP gain in giving up so much when they can still have a relationship but keep their separate assets, especially if the OP likes his current job: he will still need something to occupy much of his day that is under his control?
It's great that the OP isn't in the closet about their relationship and although they aren't into anal, I wonder if that is more about acceding to conditioned homophobia than having an open mind to exploring other avenues of eroticism (eg rimming, prostate stimulation, etc). It doesn't have to be about penile penetration to still be pleasurable.
It's interesting that the OP acknowledges his surprise that sex with a man was better than expected. Why wouldn't it be similar to sex with a woman when the same nerves are being stimulated, the same pleasure centres being aroused and there is shared intimacy with another person? The only real difference is in specific anatomy, yet many men engage in anal sex with female partners and gay men aren't particularly lamenting the fact that men don't have vaginas.
I wish the OP all the best in his new life adventure.
This could be the beginning of a kept man situation. I would suggest that he continues the relationship, but also maintains his independence by continuing to work,and earning his own money, whether they live together or not.
It seems like the only barrier to a lot of happiness is the author's own self. I get that it's hard to move on, but life/God/karma/the universe has opened all the doors. Embrace love!
Life goes on so go for it, BUT, keep in mind what hsgisme said.
I was in an almost similar situation. My wife passed at an early age leaving me with 2 preschool girls. I raised them on my own and they are both college grads with a great future. While the were growing up I was dating ladies, but never brought anyone home to meet them until I met the right one. Because they never saw me date or bring anyone home they assumed I was gay and made up a person to whom I was attached. Gave this fictional person a name and they could describe him perfectly. Their jaws dropped when one day during college breaks I brought home a lady whom I would later marry.
I assume the writer of the letter feels like he would be breaking his marriage vows, but they are until death(do you part). It makes no difference who he marries as long as he is happy and they aren’t hurting anyone in the process, but it doesn’t sound like anyone is being negatively impacted. So my advice is dude- go for it. You only get one chance at love if you are lucky, sounds like you got a second chance- don’t throw this opportunity away.
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