I love getting comments from readers. I know lots of straight guys follow and read, but it's a rare occasion when one leaves a comment. Straight dudes: I really appreciate hearing from you because you confirm many of the things I've written about when it comes to enjoying some buddy activity. Like the one who left a comment last week saying how common it is for guys at his gym to jack off together in the showers and saunas.
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But, then I get an email from a straight dude and I'm at a loss as to how to answer him. Maybe you, my Faithful Readers, can help.
"So,
my best buddy and I met in college. We did a lot of stroking together back
then. We served as Best Man at each other’s weddings and of course the mutual
masturbation stopped. Though I’ll admit to jacking off with other guys at the
gym, and I know my buddy has too. But we didn’t get together in that way since
our marriages.
I’ve
been divorced for close to five years now and during that time always wanted to
ask him if he’d be willing to pick up the college days but I never approached
him. His wife passed away recently - quite unexpectedly. Of course, I rushed to
be with him and his kids, to offer what comfort I could.
That
night after his kids had gone to bed I hugged him as I went to go home. He
held onto me so tight I could barely breathe. I rocked him as he sobbed into my
shoulder, I whispered how sorry I was, that I loved him and he could count on me
for anything he needed. Well, he thanked me, nuzzled and kissed my neck. Before
I knew it we were locked in an embrace, and I felt him get hard and press
against my leg. Of course, I was hard as a rock, but I was surprised. Because, all
the while he’s clinging to me, he’s grinding his crotch against me. Long story,
short: it turned into an urgent, passionate, almost desperate session of sex.
Right there in the family room. Things we’d never done before, like rubbing our
erections together, and sucking one another’s cock. After we both came, he held
onto me like his life depended on it.
But
here’s the problem. Over the next few days, even though I served as pall bearer
at the funeral, he would barely look at me, and spoke maybe 10 words to me. It’s
been almost two months and he hasn’t talked to me since. He doesn’t return my
calls or text messages. I’m confused and, frankly, heartbroken.
What is his deal? How can I get my friend back?"
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Well, my Faithful Readers,
what advice can you offer?
18 comments:
He might send a letter to his friend about their sexual encounter and his own feelings of guilt and confusion and a willingness to accept that it might be a one-time event in their lives. After all, his friend was in a highly emotional time in his life and might have confused intimacy with sexual attraction.
Overall though, tell him that he really cares about him as a friend and wants him in his life. The past two months have been difficult and he has felt sad that a moment of confusion has kept them from speaking over this period--when he knows that his friend is going through a lot. Tell him that he wants their friendship to continue--and that he knows that it will be awkward at first.
This is all that I can think of saying.
probably he's upset. You should try to speak to him and make him quiet, explaining him it can happen to make sex also among straight men.
I feel very sorry for both men. What happened, happened, and there is nothing to be ashamed of there. He could invite his friend for a drink at a pub or bar, or a meal together, using the occasion to talk things through. Trust you have a great and restful weekend.
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That's really a tough one. I'm sorry I don't have any advice.
Classic closet case. Reach out, but not forcefully. Encourage openness & honesty & exhibit these qualities in all your dealings with him. Time, sweet time, will reveal what is in store for the two of you.
Your friend was going through a very emotional time. The loss of his wife, and being left with all the responsibilities for his kids, and wondering how he was going to manage to keep everything under control, were weighing heavily on him.
Your (I'm assuming non-sexual) hug before leaving gave him permission to hug someone and let out the emotional stress that had built up with his wife's death, the upcoming funeral, and what to do afterwards. He had to keep his emotions under control and be strong for his kids. You provided the outlet he needed, and your friendship during college days let him know that he could hug you without fearing any macho nonsense getting in the way.
The fact that a hug (bear hug that it was) turned sexual probably surprised him half to death! Your stroking during your college days probably eased some of his inhibitions, and allowed the two of you to express your love for each other in a way you'd never given yourself permission to express. After you expressed your love for each other in a physical way, he was probably in a state of emotional collapse, and clung to you as an anchor to his mental health.
Now, after things have calmed down, he's realized what he did. Were you the aggressor, and does he feel anger with you for 'making' him do what he did? Is he feeling guilt to end all guilt that as a man who'd been living an exclusively heterosexual life (are you sure he'd stroked off at the gym?) he now realizes that he can be turned on by another man? Was he the aggressor and is now feeling guilt at having sex with his best friend? And all of this happening even before his wife was buried?
The two of you need to talk. The suggestion to meet for dinner at some neutral spot would be a start. Of course, getting him to even talk to you will be the hardest part! Send him a letter (with a stamp and everything). Use a business envelope and no return address, the better to make him open the letter and at least start to read it! Try to get your message into as few words as possible in the very first sentence! Maybe he'll read at least that far.
Maybe say, "I forgive you for making me have sex with you." It may not be what happened, but if he's feeling guilty about starting things that may help. Maybe the next sentence could say, "Forgive me for letting my emotions run wild." Even though the words don't describe the actual event or feelings, they need to force him to say to himself, "No, that's not what happened..." He needs to think about what happened, and that someone who cares about him was secure enough in his masculinity that sex with a buddy is not the end of the world-- or a friendship.
--Paul / Questar
Trust me or rather don't trust me! I'm a week ahead of myself! Eastern Summer Time starts next weekend! I will be away on my annual retreat in the country.
I think "anonymous" has the right strategy. It's probably a singular experience but really worth trying to maintain the friendship. And things like this happen in gay friendships too, but our traditions of free erotic sharing help smooth things out.
This happened while his friend was very vulnerable. His wife just died.
Never do this with anyone when they are emotional and vulnerable.
For now give him space.
Call him in a few months make no reference to what happened and see what he does.
He will have to go slow here.
He is probably just embarrassed and needs some reassurance and time. Remind him that he is your friend and want to be there and it doesn't always have to be that way.
A difficult situation to be sure, but some very valid comments from other readers. I think the words from "anonymous" ring true, but Rick Jeans' comment is most apt; this will take time. Possibly a long time. Your friendship will be demonstrated by not applying pressure but being there for your friend when he needs you. And not making your own needs or desires the driver of action. The truth that has been exposed is not going to go away. Allow your friend time to grieve, and time to adjust. Demonstrate grace. And patience, as difficult as that may be.
The friend needs time to grieve and process for himself what happened. It dont matter much who initiated it but one person is in a very different head space to the other. The guy needs time to put his life back together and to move forward.
The other friend who wants the friendship back to how it was needs to wait for the other guy. The guy can still support the friend but shouldnt be expecting anything in return. Maybe take the other guy out to lunch (no dinner as that can insinuate something further) and keep things light. Lunch is a more relaxed setting and takes the pressure off as the body will be wired for food and not looking for anything else.
Keep the dinner and the drinks to later on.
For whatever reason, I’ve had a strong reaction to your post today, even though there are no circumstances that are similar in my life.
My advice to this guy would be to give it time. He said it occurred recently. Stop texting, don’t call or email. The friendship may recover, but it’s totally beyond his control, and pursuing it could come off as stalkerish. Also, don’t avoid contact if they meet in the normal course of life.
Even though it was mutual, I’m guessing his friend afterwards felt that it was a huge betrayal of the wife that he loved and so unexpectedly lost. Not only would there be guilt, but on top of all of the other emotions of grief, is there some nagging questioning of his own sexuality? Then there’s the kids. His friend has a lot on his plate to deal with. He should be patient.
I read your account of the letter from the straight guy who would like to help his close friend following the passing of his wife - and following an urgent sexual encounter between the two of them. I am a gay man so I can only respond in that context.
The two men clearly have had a close sexual relationship before marriage - even if it was limited to masturbation. I masturbated with many of my straight friends during adolescence including my best friend who I have known for 55+ years. He is married and has a family. I am married to my husband as well. Our friendship is as strong as it was when we were 4 years old.
The man's friend is clearly experiencing deep grief at the loss of him wife. I would say that he is lucky and blessed to have a friend that he has great trust and deep feelings for (we all need that, don't we?).
I think the straight guy should give his friend some time to heal - while letting him know how much he cares about him and that he will be there for him whenever he has healed. I would hope that they keep an open mind to what happened and let life take its course. It is rare to have a deep, lasting bond with another person - male or female, gay or straight.
Deep friendships must be treasured and nurtured.
I can only add that sex immediately after a close loved one has died is VERY common. It's this unconscious thing which lets us know that we are still alive. Guilt will typically follow an episode like that. Guilt that you've just enjoyed a part of life when that loved one has just passed away. The man most likely also is feeling as if he's betrayed his wife.
If he has apologized for what happened and that, as far as he is concerned, nothing has changed in their relationship because of it, there's not much more he can do.
If he hasn't already, this man could, perhaps, leave one last message for his friend saying he will be there as a friend - as he always was - whenever his friend is ready. Then he must sit and wait, and keep his friend and those children in his prayers. They have suffered a huge loss and it will take time for them to heal.
Other people's comments pretty much cover the subject. I would just suggest that in a touchy situation like this, any communication other than face to face is likely to prove difficult. The widower is evidently on a guilt trip over the same-sex experience with his friend; otherwise why dodge his phone calls? So if it were me I would drop by the widower's house on a weekend morning and reassure the widower that nothing need happen in the future between them of that nature if the widower doesn't want to repeat it. He can invite the widower to a lunch, dinner or whatever to address the subject further, but I think that a five minute conversation to clear the air needs to happen first.
Hey...I just re-read this post and wondered if you ever got an update from this writer who grieved the loss of his widowed buddy. I hope they were able to overcome the awkwardness of the sexual release and resume their friendship. Is there anything the writer might be willing to share?
@ Adam - Yes, they did reconnect. His friend's sons are who prompted it at Christmas by asking why the man was mad at them, had they done something wrong? It was a strained first meeting, but once the air cleared they were able to return to normal - well, as normal as the unexpected death of someone they loved enabled.
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