Wednesday, January 4, 2017

Bud-Sex: Accept It & Move On

A bit of good news hit my Inbox. This from the guy whose friend abandoned him after a sexual encounter the evening of his wife's death:

"I took the time to ask if anyone could help me when my friend's wife passed away and we ended up having sex. So I thought I should let you know how things have panned out.He finally reached out on Christmas morning. It took me by surprise but I sure didn't complain about it. He invited me to his house that evening and I went - bearing gifts for him and the boys. He didn't say much, just watched me and the boys laugh and play with the gifts. After the kids went to bed I asked him why the change of heart. His sons kept asking why they hadn't seen me in so long, if I didn't love them anymore. That cracked it for him. I said I was glad he finally called. Didn't tell huim how heartbroken I was, but I couldn't let it go and asked why he shut me out. He just couldn't own up to the sex. At first he was embarrassed by it then he was pissed off about it and then he admitted the more he remembered he realized that he was the one who initiated it and that bothered him the most. He couldn't sort out doing something so gay was the way he put it.

Anyway, long story short as I went to leave, he grabbed me into our old familiar bear hug, kissed my cheek and invited me for dinner the next night. I went and we talk every day again just like we used to. Your readers were right I guess. I just had to wait it out. it hurt like hell to do it but in the end it worked. So, thanks for the advice."
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That's a heart-warming Christmas story, eh? But the dude has got to let go of those demons called labels. If it made him feel better in the moment, when he needed the comfort and closeness, accept it and move on. According to Tony Silva's latest paper on the subject, Bud-Sex: Constructing Normative Masculinity Among Rural Straight Men Who Have Sex With Men, it's an ability to compartmentalize that sex as just that, sex.
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They can then continue with their straight relationships with a clear conscience and no labels.
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If you want to read the paper you can download it here: ResearchGate

10 comments:

Xersex said...

glad for the happy end!

Anonymous said...

There seems to be a lot of pressure for males to conform to how their social circle thinks. ( Friends and family) If they constantly hear negative comments about any male/male relationship closer than just friends, they will steer far away.

I've learned a lot from Pats blogs and when the opportunity arises I don't hesitate to correct these kinds of comments from my young male relatives. But I never hear any of their friends or male relatives doing the same. Women don't seem to have the same constraints, almost like we get a pass on this. HUGS & BISOUS. JM.

Patrick said...

Great to read that that one worked itself out! Another great post! Hot guys doing hot things together! I'm very happy with what I posting if only I could attract a few more visitors I'd be ever happier. Some "hot" coffee & chocolate there at present. Trust you are in reasonably good condition at present! No winter chills!

SickoRicko said...

So good to hear that the men reconciled.

French Patrick said...

I think that we have enough problems not to invent additional problems, but we must admit that it is in the nature of the man. Something like "why to make simple when we can make complicated" (irony intended).
Have a great day, my darling, with lots of bisous.

AOM said...

That is a wonderful, heart-warming Christmas story. Thanks. Love is love, pleasure is pleasure - being with the ones we feel close to is a wonderful expression of those feelings. I wish you a super-licious day, bro. Hugs, Licks, and Strokes, AOM

whkattk said...

@ JM - Yes, women do get a "pass" on those things. I think it stems from a history of belief that women are the ones who "feel," who display emotion, while men are supposed to stifle those things. When my wife and I go out and meet them, or have them to the house, I'm not shy about hugging and kissing our male friends. It is a normal display of affection, and demonstration of caring.

The more it is seen, the more commonplace it becomes, the more accepted it will be. Men need to take control to turn the attitude around. Hugs et bisous!

whkattk said...

@ Patrick - Ah, my liege, even I have been remiss. Send me a link and I shall add it here. Yes?

T said...

It all depends on how they are brought up. Apart from having a somewhat very liberal upbringing (compared to normal); I was raised to be gender neutral from an early age. The family let me develop however I wanted without gender restrictions. It was like that for a few of us who grew up around each other. The close group of family friends none of us have that issue of label stuff. We have all had relationships with both sexes and it was all treated as normal.

As we got older we were taught sex was sex and love is love. Dont get them confused. Sex is not love and vice versa. Doesnt matter if its with a guy or a girl as long as you dont get them confused and your all willing participants.

It just is what it is. Sex is sex. Nothing more nothing less. Its an activity. It can be good or it could be poop its just an activity. Its not a relationship. It can be part of a relationship but its not the relationship.

There can be love and sex in any relationship. They are not mutually exclusive to each other.

that one guy said...

Sorry to be late for this one --- haven't been checking in every day lately :/

Two "problems" came to mind reading this ultimately heartwarming story:

(1) yes, our society does put a lot of investment into labels. This is "gay," that is "gay," etc. We (in the US at least) are just reaching the point where it's OK for men to hug. I think for a lot of men it's actually more OK to hug in public since that way there are witnesses to testify there was nothing "gay" about the hug. If it's in private, it's more intimate, which brings me to our second problem:

(2) As males we don't get a lot of training in emotional intimacy; we don't know how to express it. Just as we have noted on this blog that nudity has become sexualized (young men embarrassed to be naked in a locker room), emotional intimacy has also become sexualized. We don't know how to have, form, or express a deep emotional connection except through sex. If you're interacting with a woman, that's usually not a problem because the woman knows how to handle it. If it's two men, however, they (we) often don't know what to do if the situation calls for more than casual bro-hugs. Any foray into deep emotional territory becomes fraught with sex. Again, that's considered OK when interacting with a woman, because it's socially acceptable for a man to fall into bed with a female friend, and because women usually have more experience navigating in that environment.

(3) - (OK, a 3rd problem came to mind while writing about the first two) Because of the extremely high importance placed upon sex, and the high value placed on heterosexuality in our culture, any crossing of the boundary line, whether real or potential, assumes a huge importance in the man's own mind. Suddenly he feels like he must question his entire identity and relationship with society (and of course with the friend he crossed the line with). We don't usually have the ability to take that kind of thing in stride and say "Oh - well, I guess I can be kind of bi in the right circumstances" or "my friend was hurting, and that's how I comforted him." It needn't be a huge thing, but we don't know how to let it be anything else.

So I'm glad these two have been able to find their way back to friendship, after an interruption that really didn't need to happen.