"After watching the reboot of Sex and the City my wife asked me if I masturbate. I mean, yeah, what guy doesn't but do we admit it to our wives or girlfriends? Do we do it in front of them? Now she wants to watch me. I mean really? I tried and couldn't get hard. What does she want and how do I accomodate her if I can't get my dick to stand up?"
The old joke is 90% of guys admit they masturbate. The other 10% are lying. Sex therapists actually prescribe this to coupled patients as a means to help them back into the saddle, as it were. But this is also a really good way to enhance your partner sex. By watching you, she gets to see what you like, what gives you pleasure, how you prolong that pleasure and what brings you over the top.
Has she never see you with a hard-on? Has she never seen your hand around it?
Now that you admitted it there's no reason to be too ashamed to let her watch you. Your nerves are holding you back. You need to relax. Haven't you ever stroked your cock during sex? Like during foreplay? Maybe she could help you ease your way into it with that.
Where do you usually masturbate? Maybe while taking a bath or shower? Drop a hint. Then she can sneak in and watch.
Do you watch porn? Dial some up on a laptop or your phone, if it'll help you get a boner. Got a large screen TV? Stream some porn to that, stretch out on the couch or floor, and go at it.
If you absolutely cannot get an erection if you know she's watching, how about recording a video for her to watch later. You can even que it up for her and then leave the house.
The thing you don't want to do is whine about it and keep putting her off. Rip off the BandAid.
Readers: Anyone ever masturbated in front of a spouse or partner?
Anyone have any ideas on how he can manage this?
20 comments:
I think masturbation is seen by many as something deeply private and for others, something shameful. It depends how religion affected your upbringing, I guess.
The idea of making a little video for his wife is awesome, though.
Also, could I have the man with the chest tattoo? I could help him with that...
XOXO
To answer your question: Absolutely!
The idea of taping himself so she can watch later is a terrific idea. It might actually break the ice, so to speak.
Most married men that I know (at least in American culture) hide their masturbation from their wives. Some develop elaborate plans to "knock out a quick load" every time she leaves the house. I understand it is a time of personal intimacy, but this behavior of hiding it from one's life partner is baffling. Easy for me to say...I'm single.
I'm wondering if the writer might feel less anxious by asking his wife to show him her own style of masturbation. Like the first pic suggests, it could be quite erotic for them both and also take the pressure off the guy to perform.
Also wondering...is hiding masturbation common among same-sex couples?
I think gay couples must be different. My last three partners loved watching me jack off and I didn't mind either. I think in some guys heads they separate jacking off and sex into two different mental things...and jacking off is a private moment unto themselves. But it's really not much different. He should start by doing a video and send it to her.
@ Six - I bet he'd appreciate the helping hand! XOXO
@ Rick - That's the way I was thinking about it, too - a way to break the ice.
@ Maddie - I think you're right in that there is a difference between the gays and the straights. Straight dudes seem to think jacking off makes them less "manly" or something. And they gay guys accept that playing with the cock is part and parcel of having one and enjoying it.
Good grief, amazing how something so simple can be made so complicated.
The first suggestion was great, how about she give you a hand, or take over herself, and then you join in?
Or what's wrong with saying I'm a little uncomfortable in you watching me right now, so how about I watch YOU? (I would be stunned if she didn't masturbate.)
BTW this is supposed to be fun, they don't call it bedroom play for nothing! Hugs and bisous.
Would men masturbate if they had access to as much sex as they wanted? I think masturbation is the secondary outlet for surplus sexual desire that is not met and nocturnal emission the tertiary outlet.
Considering the 1700's and 1800's spent considerable effort trying to dissuade masturbation with various diabolical devices, it's not surprising it became a furtive hidden practice involving shame. Not to mention that even now, masturbation is a private thing: it's against the law to do it in public view I believe and even sex is supposed to be done only in the privacy of one's private bedroom. Even Queen Victorias time believed that sex was only for procreation I understand.
It's interesting that it took an entertainment program to get a woman wondering whether a man masturbates as if she never considered the possibility of it herself before. This is worrying from the perspective that many women deny mens greater sex drive and therefore could not conceive they might need more than a woman chooses to give. I wonder whether the OP's partner masturbates herself and if so, why she would think it only a female thing. The repression and lack of education in society is appalling.
It's not surprising that even sex might be rigidly formulaic and, whilst involving foreplay for the woman probably doesn't involve foreplay for the man where she might manipulate his penis or other erogenous zones (and heaven forbid, his prostate).
I'm not surprised the OP has difficulty getting it up when suddenly expected to perform this otherwise private act. It's also disturbing the OP thinks he needs to accommodate what his partner wants simply because she wants it, even though the OP is obviously uncomfortable. From one perspective, the reason that the OP does masturbate is because his partner does not engage in sex enough and the reason men don't admit this is because women would become offended.
Having said all that, it's likely that masturbation by a male might be arousing to a female and lead to sex that might otherwise not occur, so it could be in the OP's interest to become more comfortable with his partner watching. Perhaps one way to start might be to let her see the OP's penis and natural erections more, then as others have suggested, perhaps suggesting she watch him shower unobserved, then engage her more in foreplay and how he might help to get himself hard. I do not suggest a video as such things can become a subject of future abuse by distribution.
I am personally uncomfortable with the idea that the OP is required to perform for his partner just because she saw something on a TV show. If the genders were reversed, women would be outraged. However, masturbation as foreplay by both partners could be a good thing.
Is the OP's partner expected to reciprocate?
Straight dudes probably think jacking off makes them less "manly" because they should be able to get enough sex not to need to, in a similar way to some women calling men "incel" as an insult to their masculinity because they haven't been able to get laid. In the case of incel, women don't seem to appreciate that it is their choices that lead to men not being able to get laid and is probably the same reason men masturbate so much.
Gay men would have a different experience because they are both men and understand their bodies and needs: I don't think women understand men at all.
The ironic thing about all this is that if women were aroused more instead of waiting for their partner to initiate sex, they might actually want more sex, to the benefit of men. Who would have thought that a TV show might actually achieve that?
@ Jean - Excellent response. Watching each other would be a great solution. I hope he pays heed. Hugs and bisous.
@ Anon - Many men masturbate whether they are getting laid or not. It's just something we enjoy, right? In marriage, one should always at least TRY to accommodate a spouse. But doing it together as you suggest might solve the problem for him being uncomfortable.
Masturbation is a natural element of sexual activity. And it’s not just an outlet when a partner isn’t around. One particular bf loved seeing me jerk off, as I loved seeing him do the same. For us it was sometimes a form of foreplay. Others have been fascinated by my technique, which to me is just normal, but apparently isn’t commonly used by others.
I love the idea of breaking the ice with a video...
Maybe she could also masturbate at the same time, so you both can watch each other ;) That could help
It might be different in gay relationships. Its more open and seen as no big deal and in some couples that is how it started to begin with.
We jerk off around each other. Sometimes together and other times on our own. Many times Ive come home and he upstairs jerking off (I work nights and he works days and I come home around time he gets ready for work). We have walked in on each other doing that many times, either help out, continue on or get the towel ready for the clean up.
Not once has it ever been 'eww what are you doing'.
The writer is obviously uncomfortable jerking off in front his partner. She, on the other hand, is turned on at the thought of watching him pleasure himself. The writer feels masturbation is his private and personal thing. I'm a very private person so I get it. We were together for years before I could really talk about what I like. Now I'm all, "yeah baby, just like that. Oh, f**k yeah." He needs to realize that this is another way for him to turn his partner on. I like the video idea. I hope he follows up with you.
Mutual would seem key.
Recording is a great idea. I bet after you know she has watched it that it will be easier to do in person.
I cannot say that I have ever jacked off in front of a female before. You have been wondering if it would be something I could do. I doubt it! LOL!
@ Whkattk 7 AM - I think the question is, would men masturbate as much if they were getting as much sex as they wanted? Of course there are practical reasons why we can't have sex whenever we feel horny and masturbation fills in those gaps, plus it is easier to achieve. It may be that men are just so constantly horny that masturbation is the only practical solution: even getting laid is inadequate.
The issue with trying to accommodate a spouse is that often that accommodation is a solution to the wrong problem: it's not a matter of rejecting what a person fundamentally wants but perhaps the manner in which they wish to go about realising it. That's why it is important to understand the problem before coming up with a solution or you end up solving the wrong problem and compromising what you want to do in the process.
Well, after being together for over 20 years, and we're in our late-50's / early-60's, mutual masturbation is considered a highlight of our sexual activity.
I can't answer because I have never had neither a boyfriend or a girlfriend
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